


Cracks

by JumpTheThunder



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-12
Updated: 2016-12-20
Packaged: 2018-06-08 00:41:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 38,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6831913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JumpTheThunder/pseuds/JumpTheThunder
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set in season 7, with flashbacks to earlier seasons. Sticks fairly close to canon but adds in all the JJ & Emily stuff we didn't see. There will be romance, caring, angst, and hurt. When I say I stick to canon I mean it, JJ is going to marry Will and Emily is going to leave. But please, give it a shot, it's worth it. And hey, I might write a sequel where they make the right choice ;)<br/>-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br/>Early weekends never suited her well, and lately less so than ever. Too much free time, too much time alone with nothing but her thoughts...her thoughts and a good whiskey. She'd much rather be at work on a case, lost in the mind of some unsub instead of her own miserable loneliness. But there was no case, no unsub, and no one but her own shadow to keep her company on the dimly lit D.C. streets. Her eyes watched the cracks in the sidewalk pass underfoot as she walked. Cracks. There seemed to be cracks everywhere she looked these days, sidewalks, foundations, her heart, her soul. The longer she was back, in this place she used to call home, the more broken everything felt.</p>
<p>Emily Prentiss was starting to miss Paris.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For the most part, when you see a section in italics it's a flashback.

Early weekends never suited her well, and lately less so than ever. Too much free time, too much time alone with nothing but her thoughts...her thoughts and a good whiskey. She'd much rather be at work on a case, lost in the mind of some unsub instead of her own miserable loneliness. But there was no case, no unsub, and no one but her own shadow to keep her company on the dimly lit D.C. streets. Her eyes watched the cracks in the sidewalk pass underfoot as she walked. Cracks. There seemed to be cracks everywhere she looked these days, sidewalks, foundations, her heart, her soul. The longer she was back, in this place she used to call home, the more broken everything felt.

 

Emily Prentiss was starting to miss Paris.

 

* * *

 

JJ Jareau sat at her desk searching through the mountain of paperwork in front of her. It was early still, just closing in on dinner time, and she wondered wistfully what trouble Henry was giving his babysitter this evening. He had very recently become an extremely picky eater, refusing to eat anything that wasn't his new favorite color, green, which was proving quite the challenge when trying to feed a growing boy a well rounded diet. She would give anything to be the one arguing with him over whether hot dogs dipped in that strange green ketchup counted as a green food, or trying to come up with new ways to use food coloring to create some comical looking dish her toddler would dig into with abandon. Being with Henry was the best part of her day, but tonight Will was coming home from his cousin's wedding in Louisiana and JJ just didn't have the energy for him. He loved her, with all his heart and she knew it. She could see it every time he looked at her. It was the kind of love she had dreamed of since she was a little girl, or so she thought, but what would make most women swoon did nothing but add to her confusion and the deep disgust she felt for herself at not being able to love him the way he deserved. So, while the rest of her team had left hours ago to enjoy an extended weekend, JJ sat digging blindly through the endless amounts of paperwork on her desk, glancing over files without really absorbing any of their content. She was barely aware of the buzzing of her phone and chose to ignore it, assuming it was Will calling for the third time that night to see when she'd be home, if he should pick up food on the way back from the airport, telling her he loved her. She didn't need another reminder of what a good man he was, not tonight. Without looking at the caller ID she tossed the phone into her top desk drawer. If anyone needed her urgently they'd call the office phone, and Will would assume she was tied up with a case just like he always did. He never questioned her, never doubted her.

She didn't know when everything had gotten so difficult. No, that was a lie, she knew. Ever since Emily had come back nothing made sense anymore. When she'd had to lie, to help Emily fake her death she thought she might die saying goodbye. She'd gone along with Hotch's plan because she knew it was Emily's only chance. At the time she wasn't even sure Emily was going to pull through surgery, so alive and in hiding didn't seem so bad. It was 2 o'clock in the morning when she's gotten the text from an untraceable cell phone. She remembered it like it was yesterday.

_JJ squinted her eyes the brilliance of her cell screen, trying to read the text with sleep blurred eyes._

_"Private airport, the one the she-devil uses for those Vegas trips she thinks we don't know about. 20 minutes. Please."_

_Before she'd even finished the text her heart was racing, her hands shaking. Emily? Hotch hadn't even told her she was awake. How could she be going to the airport? She couldn't be well enough to travel. It was too soon, it had to be. Without even realizing she'd gotten dressed JJ found herself standing outside her apartment door, clutching her keys and staring again at those mysterious words on the screen. Without a thought to Will, still asleep in her bed, or what he would think if he woke up to find her missing, she dashed out to her car. Her heart felt like it was going to explode and the recklessness with which she drove would have terrified her if she'd been able to think about anything other than getting to the airport before that jet took off. Her tires squealed as she pulled into the lot by the security gate. She could see the figures by the lone plane on the tarmac, one seated and one standing. She ran to the gate, the security booth was empty, no guard in sight, but the gate was locked shut. She tugged but it refused to give, only rattling slightly. Her mind raced, Hotch must have had the guard go home, preventing there from being a single witness to this evening's events. The jets engines began to whir, preparing to head down the runway. JJ looked up and saw the standing figure begin pushing the seated one up the ramp towards the jet. She started to panic. This couldn't end this way. She couldn't let her go. With every ounce of strength she had she tugged at the gate, kicking at the metal, begging it to give way._

_"Hotch!" she screamed. "Hotch! Open the gate"_

_Nothing. She couldn't see whether Hotch reacted, couldn't tell whether he'd even heard her._

_"HOTCH! Open this fucking gate! I have to see her!" tears streamed down her face, her panic rising. "EMILY!" the cry tore from her throat with more force than she thought she had in her. The figures ascending the ramp stopped moving. JJ's breath caught, they could hear her. "EMILY! I'm here! I'm here, let me in!" She could just make out what looked to be a heated discussion between the shadowed figures before the one she assumed was Hotch headed back down the ramp and across the jet way._

_"Agent Jareau what exactly are you doing here?" Hotch's voice was controlled and measured, in that terrifying way that managed to make you wish he would just yell at you. JJ drew herself up, attempting at least a semblance of dignity despite her disheveled appearance and tear-stained face. She knew she'd regret this later but there was no going back now, no way she could explain showing up like this._

_"Hotch you have to let me see her. Please don't take her away from me like this." Her voice was a strangled whisper as she tried to keep from sobbing. He studied her, saw the way she was trying to compose herself, the way her body nearly vibrated with anticipation as she awaited his answer. He sighed, this was not the time for reprimands, much as JJ deserved one. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed silently._

_"This is Agent Hotchner. There's been a change in plans. Yes. Agent Jennifer Jareau will be escorting our witness to Paris. You're to wait to transport her back once the witness is settled." With that he plugged in his security code and pulled open the gate. "Go JJ."_

_"Hotch, thank you, I can't...thank..." JJ stumbled over her words, stunned, before Hotch interrupted her._

_"We'll talk when you get back. Which I expect to be before Monday."_

_"Yes Sir." JJ contemplated hugging him before thinking better of it and heading towards the plane, thanking whatever power had influenced Hotch into allowing this. Hotch's voice drew her attention, turning her on her heal._

_"JJ, don't take this lightly. This is her only chance, she has to go. You have to let her." The slightest sadly compassionate look crossed his face, barely there long enough for her to catch it._

_"I know. I would never do anything to hurt her, Sir. Never." With that she turned back to the plane, almost at a run as she headed for the ramp, for Emily._

JJ rocked back in her seat, the case file spread across her lap long forgotten, lost in her memory. She had lied that night. She swore she'd never hurt Emily but she feared that was all she'd done since that weekend in Paris.  She'd abandoned her, not for those months when Emily was in hiding, but ever since she'd been back. Emily tried to hide it but JJ could see that she was hurting. She knew that coming back to find JJ with Will, in their new house with their adorable little blonde boy playing in the picket fence yard, the very picture of a happy family had been a shock to her. Hell, it was a shock to JJ, who had never thought herself good at compartmentalizing, how easily she slipped into her life with Will. Emily was gone and JJ let herself believe that she was happy. It had even been her idea that she and Will buy a house, mere days after Emily's funeral. Will was stunned, he had always been the one to pursue JJ, but so thrilled that she wanted to take things further that he didn't question it. Not long afterwards he had proposed. JJ said no. She made some excuse about liking the way things were, not wanting to rush, etc. etc...all the usual reasons. Will didn't push, he would never push. It was not long after the proposal that JJ found herself online, playing scrabble with a "stranger". She wouldn't admit to herself that she knew exactly who she was playing with, exactly who the fingers on the other side of the internet, on the other side of the world belonged to. Wouldn't admit that she wasn't just playing with a variety of anonymous scrabble lovers but with the same person, day after day, at any hour that this "stranger" appeared online. Wouldn't admit that the thought of a smile playing on the face of the owner of those scrabble-playing fingers was sometimes the only thing that got her through the day. She was happy, she had Will and Henry, the picture perfect life. Things were never better with Will then during those months, and she began to believe that this was what she wanted.

And then Ian Doyle was back. And suddenly the fingers weren't online anymore. But it didn't matter, right? It was just some stranger, no one important, there were tons of other people to play scrabble with.

When Emily Prentiss walked back into the BAU JJ felt her heart nearly stop and the blood rushed to her head. It was only then that she realized she hadn't felt a thing, not since she got on that jet and flew back, flew away from the one thing she never knew she needed but apparently couldn't live without.

JJ wiped a single tear from her cheek just as the blaring ring of her office phone dragged her back into the moment.

"Hello, Agent Jareau speaking." She glanced at the clock and realized it was nearly 10pm. "Emily? What? Where are you? I'll be right there, don't move." Hanging up the phone and grabbing her keys JJ ran for the elevator.


	2. Chapter 2

Brushing damp hair out of her eyes it slowly became apparent to Emily that she was sitting in a puddle. Great. The rain from earlier in the evening had all but stopped, unfortunately it seemed she'd ended up in the alley before things had a chance to dry out. She looked around, trying to remember how she'd gotten there. Perhaps that last whiskey had been one too many...though she really didn't think it could explain the level of pounding in her head. She felt around her pockets, finding...nothing. That's was odd, her wallet and her phone should have...

"Mugged. I got mugged." She muttered, pressing her palm to her forehead, feeling every bit the idiot. Her foggy memory was beginning to clear, it was some punk kids who'd gotten the jump on her in the alley when she came out to call...

"Emily?" It was JJ. She'd called JJ. ' _Oh no'_ Emily thought to herself. "Emily are you out here?" JJ's worried voice carried down the alley. Emily struggled to get to her feet, her grunts of pain attracting JJ's attention before she managed to stand. "Emily!" JJ was at her side before she could object, helping her up.

"Jayje, I'm ok, really, I can get up on my own." Even as she said it she felt herself getting dizzy and brought her hand up to the back of her head instinctively. She wasn't all together surprised when it came away bloody, though the same couldn't be said for JJ.

"My god, you're hurt! What happened? Are you, are you drunk Emily?" JJ could smell the liquor on Emily's breath. She found herself irrationally angry. Was this why Emily had called her, because she was drunk?  Emily felt JJ stiffen.

"Look JJ, I shouldn't have called. Go back home. I'm sure Will's wondering where you've run off to." The slightest bit of acid laced her tone. She tried to push JJ's prodding hands away from her head to no avail.

"Stop it Emily," JJ's frustration was rising, what gave Emily the right to call her like this? So what if she wasn't at home when Emily called, apparently she didn't remember having called the office instead of her cell, why let on that there wasn't anywhere else she'd rather be than at Emily's side? "You're right, I should be at home with my family but I'm not, I'm here with you. So the least you can do is let me do is take a look at your head." With that JJ grabbed Emily's head roughly and pulled it down so she could inspect the injury. Emily didn't fight her, only swayed slightly on her feet. "Just had to get drunk and crack your head open didn't you..." JJ grumbled under her breath. Emily jerked out of her grasp, she'd had enough of JJ chastising her like a child.

"Go home JJ. You're not my mother. Yeah, I'm drunk, so what? I'm an adult, I'm not doing anything wrong." With that she stumbled away and down the alley trying to put some distance between herself and JJ.

"Oh yeah you're an adult, enough of one go knocking yourself out in alleys." JJ shouted after her. She knew she was being petty but she couldn't help it, she was just so mad. Honestly she didn't even know what she was mad about, really. Emily was her friend still, wasn't she? Shouldn't she be happy to help a friend when she was down? But here was Emily, drunk off her ass and refusing help when she was the one who had called. The sound of Emily slipping near the entrance to the alley pulled her out of her thoughts, and she was surprised to hear Emily laughing. "What's so funny Prentiss?"

"This, JJ. Us...Me..."  Emily leaned against the wall, no longer bothering to try to hold herself upright. She stared at her feet, giving up on her train of thought and deciding it was best to just go home. "Can you just give me a ride home please?" JJ took a deep breath before responding. She didn't want to get into this any more than Emily did.

"Sure. Give me your keys Em, I'll take a cab back for my car after I get you home." She watched as Emily dug into her jacket pockets, a look of confusion spreading across her face as she moved on to searching her jeans.

"Damn it." She swore under her breath, rocking her head back into the brick wall behind her and then immediately regretting it. "They took my fucking keys. They left my car and took my keys. Idiots."

"Emily, who took your keys? What are you talking about?" It was suddenly becoming abundantly clear to JJ that she had misread this situation. Something wasn't right, and if she'd bothered to put aside her own issues she would have known that when she got there. Emily didn't let herself get so drunk she passed out in alleys, at least not the Emily she knew...the Emily she'd known. It was only now that she noticed the tear in Emily's jacket pocket, the dirt on the knees of her jeans, the way her shirt was half un-tucked. Her gut sank, remembering the blood on Emily's hands from the back of her head. "Did somebody hurt you? Emily did somebody..." the words caught in her throat.

"My god JJ, no. I mean, not like that. They just took my wallet and my keys. I didn't even hear them coming." She slumped her shoulders, bending over and holding her head in her hands. "I can't go home Jayje. They've got my condo keys. I'm sorry." Before Emily could protest JJ was at her side, supporting her under the arm.

"Don't apologize Emily. I'm glad you called." JJ began leading her to her car, feeling Emily lean on her to steady herself. Once they were settled in the car JJ realized the next dilemma. She couldn't take Emily to her house, not like this. It would bring up too many questions with Will. Had they been on a case? Had Emily been wounded by a suspect? If they weren't on a case where were they? Why hadn't JJ been home. She let out an audible sigh, alerting Emily to her distress.

"You weren't at home when I called, were you Jayje?" Even drunk Emily could read her like a book. A sad smile crossed JJ's face. Emily always knew exactly what she was thinking. Even now, even after all these months, after all the pain, Emily just knew.

"...No" JJ answered quietly. "I can't take you home in this condition Emily. Will's at home." Emily gave no visible reaction but JJ noticed her breathing catch for just a second too long at the mention of Will's name. After a moment's pause Emily spoke,

"Do you still have the key I gave you?" She watched as JJ reached across the passenger's seat and into the glove compartment, digging around and pulling out the small white gold key-chain and still shiny key. She held it tightly in her palm for a minute before resting it on Emily's knee, her hand lingering as her whole body froze from this simple touch, the physical familiarity. Emily didn't move, didn't dare even twitch, doing her very best despite the alcohol's influence not to react, not to show what the feel of JJ's hand on her leg was doing to her. Without another word JJ started her car and pulled out into traffic, muscle memory taking her back to Emily's condo. A place she hadn't set foot in since that night, that first night Emily had been back. The night Ian Doyle had died and Emily had found out about JJ and Will. The night JJ found herself on Emily's doorstep in the rain, greeted by a drunken Emily doing her best to drown her feelings in a bottle of very expensive scotch. Come to think of it that was the only time she'd seen Emily intoxicated like this, and she couldn't help but wonder whether it had become a habit for her usually composed, controlled, and stoic friend.


	3. Chapter 3

_Emily was just pouring her fourth scotch when she heard the knock at her door. Still on edge from the events of the night she felt her body tense. One hand slid behind her back to the cool metal of the gun that rested in her waistband, the other scooped up her tumbler and raised the smoky yet silky smooth amber to her lips. She sipped, enjoying the warmth as it trickled down her throat, and made her way to the door as quietly as she could manage-stumbling into a small end table as she went. She peered through the peep-hole, seeing nothing. She put her ear to the door, listening for the slightest sound. Again, nothing. Had she hallucinated the knock? Was being back in this condo for the first time in 7 months bringing up old ghosts? She was just about to leave the door when she heard it, the faint sob followed by the hushed whisper of "What am I doing here?" Emily would know that voice anywhere. Taking her hand off her gun she unlocked the deadbolt and swung the door open, yanking it just a little too hard and throwing herself off balance. She grabbed the door frame to steady herself with the spare fingers on the hand holding her scotch and took in the sight in front of her. JJ's eyes whipped up from the floor to meet hers and then immediately darted away. She was drenched, her blond hair hanging in dripping ribbons around her face, her coat looking like it might drag her to the floor with its water-logged weight. Emily burst out laughing, she couldn't help it. Between fits of giggles she managed to get out "JJ, what ARE you doing here? And where in god's name have you been? You look ridiculous."_

_JJ looked up and right into Emily's eyes, silencing her laughter instantly with the intensity of the pain on her face. "Do you want to come in?" Emily asked quietly, feeling herself suddenly beginning to feel like she was sobering up and immediately wishing she wasn't. She took another swig of her scotch and stepped out of the doorway to allow JJ to enter. JJ didn't move._

_"I don't know Emily. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I'm doing here...I just paced outside your building in the rain for an hour. An hour! I shouldn't be here, I should be at home. I should be with Will..." JJ's babbling was stopped only by the drink shoved under her nose._

_"Here," Emily interrupted, "You look like you could use this." JJ took the drink and watched as Emily turned and walked down the hall into her living room, leaving the door open for JJ to follow. She hesitated, observing the way Emily swerved as she walked, clearly unsteady on her feet. 'Damn it, she's drunk. I knew I shouldn't have come here. What is wrong with her?' she thought as she crossed the threshold, ignoring the nagging feeling that she should just go home, that walking through this door would lead to a night she could never take back. JJ closed the door quietly behind herself and took a deep breath before following Emily down the hall. Once in the main living space she spotted Emily leaning against the counter pouring a fresh glass of scotch, her back to JJ. She could see her rolling her shoulders and could almost feel the walls Emily was throwing up around herself. It felt rather a lot like walking into enemy territory. Looking around JJ took in the disturbing familiarity of this place. She hadn't set foot in Emily's condo since just after she'd "died" when JJ came by with Penelope to pick up Sergio. She'd made some excuse about needing to pick out clothes for Emily's funeral and had seen a weeping Garcia to her car before she'd headed back inside. The sun shining brightly through the large windows had awoken her the next morning, leaving her dazed on the sofa to realize she must have fallen asleep on Emily's couch. The empty bottle of one of Emily's favorite wines on the coffee table in front of her had explained the pounding in her head. She'd gotten up and showered, relishing in the smell of Emily's shampoo. She had tried not to think about Paris, about how much she missed her, about the fact that she might never see her again. Before she'd left she had taken a bottle of Emily's favorite perfume and slipped it into her bag. When she'd locked the condo door behind her she'd fully believed that she would never be back. On the way home she had decided two things. First, that she would accept that Emily was dead, and anything between them had died along with her. Second, it was time to commit herself to Will, to her family. They would buy a house and start a life in a new home. A home where Emily had never been. Arriving back at her apartment complex she'd parked and just before heading inside to embrace this new life with a man who loved her with no strings, no reservations, and no secrets, she'd pulled the small bottle of perfume and the key to Emily's condo out of her bag. She held them to her lips, inhaling the scent that had once set her heart on fire and whispered "Goodbye Emily". She'd tucked them into her glove box and closed it, shutting her feelings and memories of Emily in with them._

_But now here she was again, standing beside that couch she'd slept on, the months old empty wine bottle where she'd left it on the coffee table now covered in a fine layer of dust, the throw pillow still askew and slightly indented where her head had rested. She gulped down the scotch in her glass, wincing as it burned her throat._

_"I never knew you were a scotch drinker." She moved up next to Emily, standing mere inches away from her still turned back and placing her glass down on the counter with an audible clink._

_"Well you drank my last bottle of wine." Emily responded without turning, feeling the heat coming off of JJ's body and hearing the soft dripping of water trickling off her clothes and hair. From the very moment she'd walked back into her home she'd known JJ had been there. It was faint but she could still pick up the slightest scent of JJ's hair on her couch pillows, still see the lipstick on the wine glass that was JJ's favorite shade. It was that smell, the way JJ's mixed with hers as if no time had passed when in reality everything was different, everything was broken, that had led Emily to pour that first scotch, and the one after that, and the one after that. And now here was JJ, so close and all she wanted to do was touch her but she couldn't. Not anymore. JJ didn't want her. JJ had chosen Will. Emily hated herself for actually believing that she was going to come back to find that JJ had waited for her. This was why she never let anyone get this close, all it did was hurt. Whenever she trusted someone the way she'd trusted JJ it got in the way of her common sense and she left herself vulnerable. When JJ had shown up at the airport that night and demanded Hotch allow her to see Emily, Emily had finally let herself believe that what they had was real, was what JJ wanted. That weekend in Paris was the first time she'd told JJ she loved her...why she believed that would change anything she couldn't say. She'd always known what she was to JJ-the other woman. She was the person JJ could turn to after a hard case because she understood the horrors they saw. She could come to Emily for release and go home able to leave the nightmares behind. With Emily, JJ didn't have to hide what their work did to her, and she could go home to Will unburdened. Until Paris, Emily had been able to convince herself that that was enough for her. That she didn't want love anyway. But after that weekend she couldn't fool herself into thinking that JJ was just a fling. And that was why, when she'd arrived at the BAU earlier that day to find a photo of JJ, Will, and Henry smiling in front of a big white house prominently displayed on JJ's desk her heart had sunk. Still, she told herself it didn't mean anything. Of course JJ would have a picture of Henry, and so what if Will was in it too? He was Henry's father after all, and as such an important part of JJ's life. Then, in the least obvious way she could manage, she'd asked JJ what Will thought of her being back at work fulltime, back to the long BAU hours. JJ's response told Emily everything she needed to know. They were together, living together, raising Henry together. They were a family. JJ had picked Will over Emily.  But then, why was she here, now, like this? Did she think they could just pick up where they'd left off. Did she want her mistress back?_

_"JJ, what do you want?" her voice was raspy as she spoke, trying not to let on just how much JJ's answer meant to her. JJ didn't respond immediately, instead she reached around Emily and picked up the scotch, pouring herself another glass and drinking it in one gulp. As she set her glass back down her hand brushed Emily's arm and she felt Emily stop breathing._

_"Emily, turn around." JJ knew she shouldn't be doing this, knew she was too confused to be making a move like this, knew it wasn't fair to Emily but she couldn't stop herself. Not now that Emily was back, right here, so close. It had been so long..._

_Emily could feel JJ step closer to her, nearly touching. She knew she should tell JJ to go home. She had no right to get in between JJ and Will. She was clearly happy with him, Emily wanted to the tell her to walk away before she did something she'd regret in the light of day but instead she found herself turning to face those big blue eyes, heart pounding in anticipation. They stood, breathing in silence for a few moments. JJ brought her hand up, hovering by Emily's cheek not quite touching for fear that as soon as she did it would turn out that Emily wasn't really here, was just a mirage. Before she could decide what to do Emily tilted her head ever so slightly, her face wresting on JJ's palm, her tongue slipping out over her top lip before she sucked the corner of her bottom lip in and bit it. She closed her eyes for a moment, feeling the damp chill of JJ's skin against her liquor warmed cheek._

_"JJ..." Emily found herself silenced by JJ's thumb as it slid across her cheek and onto her lips. Without saying a word JJ took Emily's hand, bringing it to her lips and brushing her knuckles with a soft kiss. For several seconds she just held on to her hand, looking down at the oh so familiar nails bitten down to the quick, hardly able to believe that it was really Emily's hand she was holding. Everywhere their skin touched she felt as if she were on fire, the intensity of her longing burning away the numbness that had taken hold of her since Emily had gone. She looked once again at Emily's face, discovering that she was watching her with her dark brown eyes. She used to be able to see behind Emily's walls, or rather Emily used to let her, but not now. Emily's feelings were locked safely away, she was simply watching JJ, waiting for her to make the move, putting the ball entirely in her court. JJ was surprised to realize that this told her more than if Emily had let her see what was behind those dark eyes. It told her that Emily wouldn't say no if what JJ wanted was her, even if just for the night. It told her that Emily was too tired to fight, and too lonely to walk away. It told her just how badly this was going to hurt but that in a way Emily needed it as much as she did._

_"Touch me, Emily." JJ closed the mere inches of space between them, leaning her forehead against Emily's. "Just touch me. You've been gone for so long...I need you to touch me." The hand JJ was holding began to intertwine it's fingers with hers. She could feel Emily's breathing quicken as she nuzzled her head against JJ's. As if reading JJ's mind Emily spoke,_

_"Shh, JJ. I'm right here. I'm right here." Emily's pulse was racing and she could feel warm tears begin to roll down JJ's cheek. She pulled back and looked at her. JJ's hand came up to Emily's face, caressing it like she was trying to memorize it, or prove to herself that Emily was real. JJ's breathing was shallow and she could feel herself starting to panic. Her hands traced Emily's feature over and over._

_"I couldn't feel Em, I couldn't breathe. I...you were dead. You died, you were gone and I couldn't breathe." She gasped out her words, her body shaking. "You're here aren't you Em? I need you to be here." JJ barely got out her words before Emily's lips slammed into hers. The kiss was electric and full of desperation. JJ's body felt like a switch had been flipped, like every light bulb in a darkened house had been turned on. Every fiber of her being hummed and she began yanking at Emily's clothes, at her own clothes, needing skin to skin contact. Emily responded the way she always had, giving in to JJ, giving JJ whatever it was she needed. Their breath came in ragged pants as their clothes dropped to the floor. JJ pulled Emily closer every time their bodies threatened to separate, like she was afraid that if she let Emily out of reach she would disappear. Emily knew JJ needed her to take control, to absolve her of the responsibility for what they were doing. She began to gently back JJ up against the kitchen counter, sliding off JJ's pants as they moved leaving her wearing nothing but her underwear. She used her height advantage to lift JJ easily onto the counter. JJ wrapped her legs around Emily's waist, locking them together and holding her tightly. Emily tangled her fingers in JJ's hair, inhaling the intoxicating smell she'd missed so badly, a smell she never thought she'd experience again, certainly not like this. She pulled JJ's head back with just the slightest bit of demanding roughness, JJ gave in to it easily. Emily kissed down her neck, feeling JJ's racing pulse throb beneath her lips and sucking hungrily at the tender skin. JJ moaned, one hand held Emily's head in place, the other scraped down her almost bare back eliciting a shiver and raising goose-bumps along Emily's flesh. JJ felt the warm wetness flooding between her legs, a sensation she hadn't experienced in months. The grip she held on Emily's waist with her thighs tightened impossibly as she attempted to bring Emily into contact with her throbbing center. Emily continued her explorations of JJ's skin, moving down from her chest to the swell of her breasts almost brimming over the lace rim of her light blue bra. She felt JJ's fingers fumbling with the button on her pants before giving up and thrusting her hand behind the waistband, sliding beneath Emily's underwear, feeling the incredible heat radiating from her core. As Emily discarded JJ's bra and encircled one swollen nipple with her tongue, JJ moved her hand lower, allowing her fingers to dip into the smoldering wetness within Emily's lips. She gasped as a jolt went through her gut at the sensation of touching Emily so intimately after all this time._

_"My god I missed you." Her warm breath sent chills across Emily's heated flesh as she whispered into her hair. She pulled back and looked into Emily's eyes, her pupils dilated with desire. "I need you inside me, I need to feel you inside me. Now Em." Even as she spoke Emily was pulling JJ's underwear down her thighs, over her knees, letting them fall around JJ's ankles. Their lips met again, JJ nipping at Emily's mouth, biting hard enough to draw a gasp from her lover. Emily could feel the smile playing on JJ's lips and bit back, sucking JJ's lower lip into her mouth and running her tongue along it as her hand dove into the slick wetness between JJ's legs. Her long fingers worked JJ's clit, slipping over it rhythmically, muscle memory directing her movements in all the ways she knew made JJ squirm. JJ's hips bucked, trying to force Emily's fingers to slip lower, to slide within her, but Emily wasn't going to give her what she wanted so easily. JJ's hand slipped out of Emily's pants and she planted both hands on the counter behind her, supporting her weight and throwing more force behind her thrusting hips. Emily couldn't help but appreciate the sight before her, JJ's head thrown back, eyes closed, back arched, nipples pert and ruby red with arousal. She continued to tease JJ's now bulging nub, feeling the increased pulse in the flesh beneath her fingers. "Please, Em..." JJ all but begged, her head lolling to one side, one eye opening slightly to shoot a pleading look at the dark haired beauty before her. She sat completely nude, skin flushed, legs spread, wetness gaping, seemingly entirely at the mercy of this incredible woman, so elegant still in the high-waisted black trousers and perfectly fitting flesh-tone bra she'd had on since she walked back into JJ's life earlier that day. But it was JJ who had all the control, and a part of her knew it. Emily would never deny her, would never hurt her the way she'd hurt Emily. JJ was having her cake and eating it too, while Emily was just glad to have JJ at all, even if only for a few hours, for hidden moments of pleasure. It was Emily whose heart was being shattered even as she slid her fingers deep within the woman she loved. JJ cried out, one hand gripping Emily's shoulder, nails digging into the skin hard enough to draw droplets of blood. Emily could feel JJ's walls tightening around her and increased the speed of her movements, wrapping her free hand around JJ's lower back, pulling her closer so her fingers could reach that much deeper inside. A heartbreaking scream tore from JJ's throat as her body crashed over the edge of orgasm, every muscle quivering under Emily's touch. JJ hadn't felt anything like this since Paris, the furious joy that took her soaring, allowed her for a brief moment to forget about all of the complications. But as she descended the heights of ecstasy the reality of what she, what they had just done slammed into her and she dragged Emily to her chest as she began to sob._

_"I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry Emily. I don't know what I'm doing." Emily responded by pulling JJ down off the counter and wrapping her arms protectively around the smaller woman's body, helping to support the weight that shaky legs wouldn't hold up. She said nothing, just stroked JJ's hair soothingly and let her cry. Tears of her own trickled silently down her cheeks, running unnoticed into JJ's still rain-damp hair. She had known from the minute she opened the door and found JJ standing there looking like a lost puppy in the hallway what this was. She knew JJ would leave her and go home to Will. JJ would not walk away from the life she'd built, the family she'd devoted herself to._

_This was not a hello but a goodbye._

And she was right. Until tonight, another drunken night nearly a year later, JJ hadn't set foot within so much as a block of Emily's condo. But here she was, standing again in the hallway just outside Emily's front door, both of them terrified at what it would mean if she stepped inside.


	4. Chapter 4

The living room looked much the way JJ remembered it, clean, sparse yet elegant in its decorations, somehow walking the perfect balance between composed and homey. It was the little touches that JJ loved, the well worn chenille sweater that was always draped over the arm of the slightly over-sized white sofa should it be needed, the bookcase of 1st editions not hidden away behind glass but accessible, with one or two usually strewn across the coffee table. Then there was the smell, the lingering scent of the perfume that always reminded her of moonlit walks in the fall, just before a good thunderstorm. It was amazing how this place could be so familiar and like something out of another lifetime all at once. She had been so comfortable here but now she felt like a fish out of water.

"Do you want a drink?" Emily voice pulled her out of her thoughts. She turned towards her, seeing her leaning nonchalantly against the kitchen counter. Instantly her mind flashed back to that night, seated on that very counter, crying out in ecstasy as she thrust herself against Emily's fingers buried deep inside her. She felt a flush come to her cheeks and she averted her eyes, hoping Emily wouldn't notice.  "Hello? JJ? Anyone home?" Emily waved her hand before JJ's eyes. She had noticed, of course she had. She might be drunk but she was still a profiler, and a damn good one at that. Besides, the exact same image had popped into her head when she'd looked at that counter tonight too.

"Yeah, sorry. I'm just...tired. I could make some coffee. You probably shouldn't sleep until you've sobered up a bit and we can be sure you don't have a concussion." Without waiting for an answer JJ moved around Emily and into the kitchen, happy to have something to occupy her hands and keep her gaze off of the woman whose eyes she could feel following her. Emily watched as JJ moved around, picking out the items she needed as if she made coffee there every morning. There'd been a time when Emily thought that would be possible, but not anymore.

"I'm going to jump in the shower, get some of the alley off me." JJ nodded without turning. It was obvious that JJ was uncomfortable here, alone with her, and she would give anything to go back to a time when that wasn't the case. For now a nice hot shower did sound good, she wanted to get out of her damp clothes and wash the blood out of her now matted hair. As she quietly shut the bathroom door behind her she felt like she could breath for the first time all night. It might not be what it used to be, but there was something wonderful about having JJ in her house again.

* * *

 

"JJ?" A hesitant almost too quiet to hear voice called out from the bedroom. At first she thought she might have imagined it but then it came again, a little stronger this time. "JJ?" She paused just outside the bedroom door, which was slightly ajar, not sure whether to knock or go right in.

"Emily? Did you need something?" JJ paused, one hand placed gently on the door.

"Come in JJ." JJ opened the door to see Emily sitting on the edge of her bed wearing an oversized t-shirt with the words "F.B.I. ACADEMY" printed in bold across the front, her wet hair hung in a tangled mess around her shoulders and she held her hairbrush in her lap, a defeated look on her face. "I tried to brush my hair but I can't see what I'm doing back there and it hurts like a son of a bitch." She waved the hair brush around in exasperation as she spoke. JJ noticed how Emily didn't actually ask for help, instead just sat there looking rather pathetically up at her. It was almost amusing how much Emily hated to need anyone else, even when it was just for little things like this. JJ moved forward, ignoring the butterflies fluttering around in her stomach at sight of Emily seated on her bed in nothing but that shirt JJ had once loved to steal.

"Let me take a look. You know we probably should have taken you to the hospital to get this looked at. I didn't even think to call the cops about your stuff." She took the hairbrush from Emily and gently began parting the hair around what she could feel was quite the bump on the back of Emily's head.

"I'll be alright." Emily winced even as she said it, "besides, the cops aren't going to get any of my stuff back...I'll just deal with it tomorrow." Another wince as JJ managed to pull the tangled hair away from the small split in her scalp.

"Well it's not big enough to need stitches but it looks like you opened it back up again in the shower. Let me get some gauze and peroxide to clean it out. You stay put" She stopped Emily's protest before it left her mouth and headed into the bathroom to fetch what she needed. She remembered gathering these same supplies to tend to more than a few injuries of Emily's over the years she'd known her, and a couple of her own as well. A slight smile tugged at her lips as she remembered one night after they'd returned from a case where Emily had been in a car accident. JJ had driven her home and insisted on staying over to make sure she was ok. Emily had tried her best to get JJ into bed, it had been weeks since they'd had any free time together and she wanted to take advantage of the situation, but she was all sorts of scraped up and had a couple of decent gashes that needed cleaning and redressing so JJ had insisted they take it easy. Eventually Emily had given in to her demands for a quiet evening, but she'd only allowed her to help with her injuries after JJ walked in on her attempting to tape up a wound on her arm using the fingers of a free hand and her teeth. Emily Prentiss was never a good patient, whether in hospitals (which she hated with a passion JJ never quite understood) or at home. As she grabbed the peroxide she noticed the half used bottle of prescription antacid next to the sink, something she'd never seen around Emily's house before. She returned to her patient and wet the gauze with the peroxide, gently patting down the slightly oozing gash, noticing how Emily's shoulders tensed and a slight hiss escaped her lips.

"Sorry. I'm almost done." JJ dabbed a dry piece of gauze over the wound, satisfied when it came away only slightly pink. "Ok, good to go. But you might want to sleep on your side tonight, that's going to take a little while to heal and you've got a nice lump. Good thing you've got such a thick head or this might have ended up much worse."

Emily laughed, "Are you calling me stubborn or actually saying my skull is thicker than average?" JJ shrugged at her and spun on her heal, sauntering off towards the kitchen calling back over her shoulder

"Emily Prentiss, stubborn? No, couldn't be!" It felt good, this playful banter, it was something they hadn't had in a while, at least not outside of the Garcia-instigated Ladies Nights. Maybe it was the alcohol, the stress, or the late hour, but it was clear neither of them had the energy for pretense tonight. "Now come get some coffee before you accidently lapse into a coma on me." By the time JJ had poured two mugs of strong black coffee, Emily had already settled down on the couch, one pale bare leg tucked up under herself, the other stretched out on the cushions. JJ did her best not to stare, not to follow the line of porcelain skin up to the hem of the t-shirt that just barely reached her thighs.

"That looks wonderful, but could you grab the cream for mine?" Emily took the mug as JJ cocked an eyebrow at her.

"Cream? That's new." She remarked as she turned back to get it from the fridge. "Does it have anything to do with the industrial strength antacid I saw in the bathroom?" She wasn't sure why she was asking, it's not like Emily's personal habits were any of her business anymore.

"Mmhmm," Emily took a sip before JJ returned with the cream, relishing in the rich aroma and intense flavor. JJ always had made a damn good cup of coffee. She looked up to see JJ standing in front of her, holding out the cream and awaiting more details. She'd almost forgotten that JJ didn't know, but then again why would she. "Ulcer." She responded matter-of-factly, splashing a generous helping of cream into her mug and handing it back.

"Since when?" JJ returned the cream to kitchen before sitting down on the opposite end of the couch, careful not to let her body brush Emily's outstretched leg.

"Since Paris. Not immediately, it just kind of developed. Doctor says it's from stress but I swear it has something to do with having been stabbed in the gut. Things just don't seem to work the way they used to in there." She absent-mindedly stroked her stomach as she spoke, rubbing her hand over the gnarled scar below the fabric of her shirt. JJ nodded but didn't say anything, the painful reminded of Emily's near death mixed immediately with memories of that weekend together. For a long time they sat in silence, both unsure of what to do next, simply sipping their coffee and finding themselves wrapped up in images from the past. Sitting here, bodies so close, felt so natural yet so foreign. Emily glanced at JJ who was running her hand along the stitching of couch pillow, her eyes slightly unfocused as she stared into space, lost in her thoughts. There was a sadness, a melancholy air about her whole body that Emily had never noticed before. How long had it been there? Had she been too wrapped up in her own pain to notice or was it recent? The more she looked at JJ the more she noticed had changed. She was thinner than she used to be and as such her features had lost some of their softness. It seemed to Emily that JJ's childlike wonder and almost unflappable faith in the goodness of people had gone too, leaving in its place a hardened woman who had seen too much. There was an almost permanent furrow to her brow, and her eyes didn't have the sparkle they used to. For the first time since she'd been back Emily began to wonder what those seven months had really been like for JJ. When she had come back and found JJ with Will, a brand new house and rumors of a marriage proposal floating around (courtesy of one Penelope Garcia) she had simply assumed that her absence had been a relief for JJ, had in some way allowed her to focus on what really made her happy. Emily had chastised herself for believing that JJ loved her, blamed herself for being stupid enough to fall in love when she knew full well she was just a port-in-a-storm, blamed JJ for the fact that she'd let herself fall in love with her in the first place, blamed Will for stealing JJ away by offering her everything Emily had never been ready to give, and then eventually she just got tired of the blame and the anger and she resigned herself to what things were, convincing herself that she had imagined a deeper relationship where there was none. But now three things occurred to her that never had before; The first was that she wasn't sure if JJ had ever really known just how much and how deeply she'd loved her, the second was whether JJ was actually as happy as Emily assumed her to be, and the third was

"JJ?"

"Yes?"

"Do you ever think about Paris?"

..."Every day."


	5. Chapter 5

_Emily stroked the long blonde hair gently, cradling a sleeping JJ  in her lap. She too was tired but she felt the protective need to stay awake and look after JJ. She still found it hard to believe that JJ had shown up at the airport earlier that night, that'd she'd fought Hotch to get on the plane, disregarding the impact revealing their relationship could have on her career, on her life. But she was here, asleep but far from at peace as was obvious to Emily by the tenseness in her face, the tightness of her muscles, the way she twitched and whimpered in her sleep. Something was troubling her and Emily was certain she'd only barely scratched the surface when, in their earlier conversation, she'd caught JJ in the lie about her transfer and coaxed a few details out of her about her current assignment. A crocked smile crossed Emily's lips, thinking about JJ's question of whether she ever felt like she was in over her head. Seemed such a silly question given where they were and what had gotten them there. She had gotten in so far over her head that it had almost cost her her life. She had thought she had to go it alone, that she couldn't involve her team, that Ian Doyle was her burden to bear and her mess to clean up. Emily had never been good at trusting people, not with the big things, and keeping secrets was second nature to her. In her parent's line of work being able to keep a lid on your emotions and hide the truth were prized skills and she had learned to be exceptional at both. Emily was nothing if not an overachiever. The better she was at keeping secrets the safer she'd be, or so she thought. Ironically the very reason she was sitting here today, alive, was because someone had finally begun to get inside her walls. She looked down at JJ's sleeping form again, smoothing her creased brow with her thumb, unsure just when this petite woman had become so very important to her. It had been too long since they'd seen each other, not since JJ had been transferred out of the BAU. It wasn't long after they'd met that an attraction had sprung up between them. What had started as innocent flirtation had turned into mutually beneficial casual sex, then into a hidden affair, which was when things had gotten complicated. It hadn't changed right away, but as things progressed with JJ and Will they had begun to both intensify and fall apart between the two of them. When JJ had told the team about her transfer a part of Emily had wondered whether it had something to do with her, if perhaps JJ had asked to leave the unit, but then she'd gotten the call from JJ asking to meet at their favorite hotel and of course she'd gone. JJ had begged her that night to give her a reason to fight the transfer. She closed her eyes and thought back to that disastrous conversation._

_"How could you think I requested this Emily?" JJ was indignant, fuming over Emily's assertion that she was had left the BAU by choice, and to get away from her no less. "You know how much I love the team! How much I love you!" It slipped out before JJ realized what she'd said, immediately wishing she could take it back. Up until that moment she hadn't even admitted it to herself, and certainly not to Emily. She knew where they stood, what they were. It was a no-strings-attached deal, that's how it worked, that was WHY it worked. Emily was stunned for a moment, almost unable to comprehend what she'd just heard come out of JJ's mouth and even less able to understand why it had made her heart stutter._

_"I'm...JJ...I just thought, I know you have Will and Henry and well I don't know. I guess I thought you might want a fresh start." What was wrong with her? She was stumbling over her words like, well not like Emily Prentiss._

_"After all this time why would I leave the BAU to get away from you? Will and Henry have been a part of my life for a while now, that's nothing new." JJ veered away from her accidental admission, hoping that by some slim chance Emily hadn't picked up on it. Emily tossed her hands up in exasperation, turning her back towards on JJ. Why had she called if she didn't want to talk about this? Emily was starting to feel like JJ had some ulterior motive here and she didn't like getting played._

_"Look JJ, just spit it out. What are we doing here? What am **I** doing here?" She spun back around, looking JJ square in the eye. "Did you call me out here in the middle of the night to tell me this had nothing to do with me or to tell me you love me? Because you're not making a whole lot of sense right now and I'm done being fucked with." Despite her best efforts to reign in her emotions Emily could feel the sting of tears beginning to well up in her eyes. JJ's mouth hung agape as she desperately tried to gather her thoughts. Before she managed to put anything together Emily spoke again._

_"You can't have both of us forever JJ. Let's just admit it, we both know what this is, what this was, and it's clearly run its course. Go home. Go home to your family." Even as she spoke Emily headed for the door. She was just pulling it closed behind her when JJ finally managed to speak._

_"Emily, wait! Please don't go." Emily stopped but didn't turn. "I know I haven't been fair lately, not to you...or to Will. I always expect you to be there when I call and you always are. I didn't realize how used that might make you feel." JJ took a deep breath, she was shaking with nerves and unsure of where she was going with all of this but all she knew was that she couldn't let Emily walk out that door. Still speaking to Emily's back she continued, "I didn't realize how much I need you, Em. I..." another pause, another deep breath, "I love you." Emily turned ever so slowly. JJ could see the fear and pain she was trying to hide in her eyes. Still she said nothing. JJ wasn't sure what she was more afraid of, the continued silence or what Emily might say when she finally found her voice. She found herself avoiding eye contact, with every second that went by she regretted what she'd said more and more. She hadn't thought before she said it, she wasn't even sure if she really meant it...though it had been her gut, or maybe her heart, speaking so maybe she did mean it. Maybe she did love Emily. Suddenly Emily cleared her throat and in choked whisper said,_

_"Did you leave Will?" The question was not the response JJ was expecting, but she answered truthfully._

_"No."_

_"Are you going to leave him?"_

_"I...I..." JJ stuttered, unable to find her response. Emily shook her head, a flash of disgust followed by something along the lines of pity crossed her face._

_"You don't love me JJ, you're just afraid to face whether or not you love Will, and I can't answer that for you. I can't keep being your distraction." Her words tore through JJ and tears began to fall down JJ's cheeks. Emily moved towards her wiping the tears from her face and gently cupping her cheek. "You don't love me Jayje." She said again, and in her heart she truly believed it was true. Emily Prentiss was not the kind of person who people like JJ fell in love with. JJ buried her face into Emily's palm._

_"Please Em, please tell me what to do. Tell me you don't want me to go. Tell me to fight for this." JJ brought her hand up cover Emily's, holding it tighter to her face. She looked up into those dark brown eyes and saw...nothing. Emily had shut her out._

_"I can't JJ. I can't make this choice for you. I can't give you the reason you want." She lifted JJ's hand to her lips and kissed it, secretly relishing the feel of her skin before releasing her hand and turning to leave._

_"Tell me you love me Emily." JJ called after her, her voice strangled by the sobs that threatened to escape her throat._

_"I can't." was all Emily could manage in response._

_She had walked out of that hotel room and away from JJ. It wasn't until she'd disappeared at the hands of Ian Doyle that JJ had come back into her life. Now, sitting on the plane headed far away from D.C. and the BAU, Emily couldn't help but think that maybe she'd gotten a second chance to tell JJ what she'd meant that night when she'd said "I can't." It wasn't that she didn't love JJ, it was that she couldn't. She couldn't let herself, she didn't know how. Emily Prentiss didn't do love. At least not until Jennifer Jareau had walked into her life, crawled under her skin, and taken up residence in her heart. To think that Ian Doyle, that murderous bastard responsible for so much of Emily's pain (both physical and mental) might be the reason she would finally be able to fight for JJ was ridiculous enough to make her almost burst out laughing. As it was a stifled snicker manage to sneak out, the movement causing her to wince immediately as pain radiated from her still healing stab wound and rousing JJ from her fitful slumber._

_"Hmm? What is it? Are we there? Are you ok?" JJ blinked sleepily up at Emily. She smiled down at her._

_"No Jayje we're not there, and I'm fine. Sorry I woke you. Go back to sleep hun." JJ looked at her quizzically before giving her a small grin and laying back down in her lap. Emily's hands took up their soft stroking of her hair again, JJ guessed she wasn't even aware that she was doing it. As she began to drift back off to sleep her face and body relaxed, taking up an almost serene appearance. Emily had just called her "hun", just like she used to when things were different between them, before the transfer, before that awful fight, before they walked away from each other. The word had slipped unnoticed from Emily's lips, and she was utterly oblivious to what could have caused the change in JJ's demeanor but she was glad to see her settle back into a much more peaceful rest._

_"Emily?" the sleepy voice surprised her, she thought JJ was already asleep._

_"Hmm?"_

_"I'm glad you texted me tonight. I'm glad you didn't leave me again." Emily noticed the implication of JJ's words but decided not to get into it just now._

_"I'm glad you came Jayje." Emily absently rubbed at the irritating brand on her chest, a nervous habit she had develop since waking up in the hospital. Again JJ's voice surprised her._

_"Emily?"_

_"Yes JJ?"_

_"I missed you." One small hand snuck out from where it had been tucked up under JJ's head and reached up for the one Emily was worrying at her scar with. She pulled it down to her chest and held it rather like a child holding a teddy bear. "Now you rest too Prentiss. You're the one who was recently deceased." A subtle smirk played on JJ's lips before sleep overwhelmed her. It had been a long time since she'd been this comfortable. Emily too felt herself relax. Her body was exhausted and still had much healing to do, sleep did sound awfully good right about now. With JJ still holding her hand tightly Emily began to doze, silently promising herself that she wouldn't let this 2nd chance pass her by. However brief her time with JJ might be she was determined to try to show her what she meant to her. Emily still wasn't sure if she knew how to love, or even if she believed herself deserving of JJ's, but she was sure of one thing: ever since JJ had left the BAU, ever since she had told her she couldn't love her and walked out of whatever relationship they had, she had been lost. So lost she had run from the closest and most wonderful family she'd ever known and more-or-less walked into her own murder._

_Emily Prentiss might not know how to love, or be loved, but she knew how to fight and that was exactly what she was going to do._


	6. Chapter 6

It had been a long night and though it was far from an ideal situation Emily couldn't help but admit she was glad it had happened. She would take the headache and the bumps and bruises all over again to have JJ asleep on her couch the way she was at that very moment. They hadn't talked much and what they had spoken about was mostly just banter, something to keep them awake. After much prodding from Sergio, Emily had gotten up to feed him and when she'd returned she'd found that JJ had succumbed to her exhaustion, curling up on her side and pulling Emily's oversized chenille sweater over herself for warmth. She stood just watching the subtle rise and fall of JJ's chest, the way her mouth hung open ever so slightly, wondering how they'd ever gotten so off track. Maybe they were never meant to be together. Maybe Will was what JJ needed. Could she accept that and move on if it meant that she could at least have JJ in her life as a friend again? Before any of this, before the sex, before the affair, JJ had been her best friend and she so missed that. A part of her would give anything to go back to when their relationship had been that simple but another part knew she would never be satisfied with that, especially now that she'd had a taste of what loving Jennifer Jareau felt like. When she was alone in Paris she had longed for nothing more than to be back here, back with her team and back with JJ. She had convinced herself that everything would be ok if she could just get home, but home wasn't home anymore. The longer she stayed the less it felt like there was anything here for her. She went to work, she came home. She ate alone, slept alone, drank alone. Sure, her team still loved her and she still loved them, but there had been an awkwardness between them since she'd returned. Realizing they had never really known her and finding out what a good liar she was had changed things, damaged the very core of her friendships and she couldn't blame them for keeping their distance. She knew she was different too. She felt guilty for the danger she'd put them all in and the hurt she had caused. Most of all she felt vulnerable and found herself overcompensating by keeping a safe emotional distance from everyone around her. She focused all of her interactions with her team on them, on their lives and their problems, always keeping the conversation off of her personal life. She told herself she did it because she owed it to them all to be a better friend, to make up for everything she'd done and everything she'd kept from them. So she went to work with a smile on her face, she joked with Morgan and teased Reid, she went to the dinners at Rossi's, she went to the nights out that Garcia planned. She did everything that was expected of her but she never felt like she belonged anymore. She was just going through the motions, playing the part she thought they wanted her to play. Having JJ back in her space was both wonderful and heartbreaking as it served as a poignant reminder of just how much she had lost. Watching JJ sleep brought up an interesting thought for Emily. Perhaps she still had a chance with her. JJ had come to her aid tonight, no questions asked, despite everything that had happened between them. After that weekend in Paris she'd had so much hope for their relationship and maybe it wasn't all in vain. She wouldn't dream of hurting JJ or getting in the way of her relationship with Will if that was what made her happy, but maybe it wasn't. Why hadn't JJ wanted to take Emily back to her house tonight? Will had never known about their affair, at least not as fair as Emily knew and JJ had never let on any differently. So why then did she say she couldn't take Emily back to her house since Will was there? Unless JJ still felt she had something to hide, feelings for Emily that might become obvious to Will if he saw them together. Could it be that JJ hadn't made her choice after all?

"Ouch" Emily hissed, noticing for the first time that at some point while she'd been lost in thought she'd begun biting her nails. She looked down to see the source of the pain, as a few drops of blood appeared by one particularly over-bitten nail. She rolled her eyes at herself, this was one habit she'd never been able to kick. She wandered into the bathroom to wash her hands and slap a band-aid on the offending digit before heading into her bedroom. She was unprepared to deal with the emotions that the events of the past several hours had brought up, and there wasn't any more she could do about the situation right now anyway. With any luck things would be clearer in morning. As she pulled the down comforter up over her body she couldn't help but wish JJ's warm body was curled up beside her. She thought for a moment of waking JJ and inviting her to share the bed, she knew from experience that, despite how expensive it was, her couch made for an uncomfortable night's sleep, but then thought better of it. It would only make an already nearly unbearable situation worse, confuse things even further. No, if she was going to stand a chance of figuring out this tangled web she was going to need to sleep tonight off and proceed with caution. She wasn't even sure what she was hoping the outcome would be, but she knew she had to find out if JJ was happy. The answer to that question would tell her what to do next...or so she hoped. She could feel a familiar burning in her stomach but was too warn out to get up for her antacid. She knew she'd regret it in the morning but at that moment she couldn't care less. Sleep beckoned and she'd exhausted all of her resources to fight it, drifting off at last.

* * *

JJ woke with a jolt. She wasn't sure where she was but she could hear someone calling for help, begging for it. Her body ached as she sat up and tried to shake the cobwebs from her mind and the sleep from her eyes. Adrenaline worked to push back the shadows as she heard another cry, the voice familiar, and the room around her slowly came into focus. Emily's? What was she doing here...? Slowly the night's events began to return to her as she came more fully awake. There was that voice again, this time less of a cry for help but more of a desperate plea.

"No please, don't do this! I know what you want. I can be her again. Please don't hurt them." It was Emily's voice coming from the direction of the bedroom.

 _'What the hell is going on?'_ JJ thought as she grabbed her gun off the coffee table where she'd left it, getting up silently and heading towards Emily's voice. Had someone broken in while she was sleeping? She glanced back over her shoulder at the front door, still closed and locked, no sign of forced entry. Had Emily let someone in? Why would she do that without waking JJ? Who could it be at this hour? JJ's pulse raced as she neared the bedroom door, fear coursing through her veins at the thought of what she might find inside that room. She froze when she heard movement, straining her ears trying to make out anything that would give her a clue as to who was in the room, or how many. Another cry sounded from Emily but she couldn't make out what she was saying. More movement followed by a thud of something heavy hitting the floor and JJ knew she had to move. She shoved the door open with her foot and swung her gun across her field of view, sweeping the room. Nothing, no one to be seen. Still cautious she moved into the room a little further, checking behind the door and the curtains before moving to the closet. She was about to pull the door open when a blood-curdling scream made her jump and spin around, gun at the ready. Emily was huddled in the corner, back against the wall and knees pulled up to her chest. In the moonlight JJ could see sweat pouring off of her forehead and her unfocused eyes darting around the room.

"Emily?" she spoke quietly not wanting to startle the almost feral looking woman before her. Emily didn't respond, eyes still glassy and seemingly unaware of JJ's presence. Tucking the gun into the back of her pants JJ moved forward, careful to stay in Emily's line of sight.  "Emily can you look at me?" Still no response. JJ knelt down in front of her, now close enough to see how badly she was shaking, one hand was balled into a fist clutching her shirt over her stomach while the other was frantically searching the floor for something. Spotting Emily's gun lying inches from her scrambling fingers, JJ reached forward slowly and pushed it away across the wood floor. "Emily?" she repeated again to no avail. "Agent Prentiss look at me." She spoke louder this time, her voice a firm order. Emily's gaze shifted, turning to meet JJ's. "That's good Agent. Now can you tell me where you are?" Emily took in her surroundings before answering, her voice shaky.

"My house. My, my, my bedroom." She stammered. JJ nodded and gave her a small smile.

"That's correct Agent Prentiss, and who am I? Do you know who I am?" JJ watched as Emily looked at her, looking her up and down before she saw the change in her eyes that told her she was coming out of her panic.

"JJ? What happened? What...?" Emily looked around confused, trying to put together the pieces and understand what was going on. She saw her gun a few feet away on the floor, her sheets and comforter in a tangled heap half dangling off the bed, and JJ crouched down in front of her. Without waiting for a response from JJ she spoke again "I had a nightmare, I think."

"I'd say so Em. You scared me half to death, I thought someone had gotten into the apartment." She reached her hand out for Emily's arm causing her to jump. "Hey, it's ok, it's just me. Let's get you out of this corner, ok?" Her voice was soft and soothing. She'd never seen Emily like this, so on edge and out of control. Emily gave her a half-hearted smile attempting to lighten the mood.

"I must look pretty ridiculous huh?" With JJ's help she got to her feet though her legs protested and were very nearly unwilling to support her weight. JJ could feel her wobble and wrapped an arm around her waist to stabilize her.

"You didn't look ridiculous Emily you looked terrified." JJ wasn't going to let her get away without an explanation. As she helped Emily back over to the bed she felt her shiver in her arms and realized that the sweat drenched shirt Emily was wearing was taking on the chill of the night air. Emily seated herself on the edge of the mattress and without even thinking about what she was doing JJ said "We should get you out of this wet shirt," and reached down for the hem, pulling it up and over Emily's head before she had the chance to react or protest. Still too out of it after her nightmare Emily simply sat there, dumbfounded by what had just happened but completely unable to figure out what to do with herself. JJ didn't seem to have noticed what she'd done, having taken the shirt and tossed it into the hamper on her way to the dresser to find something dry. It wasn't until she turned around, fresh pajamas in hand, that she noticed she'd left Emily naked from the waist up and looking extremely uncomfortable. Immediately she felt the heat rising to her face, both from embarrassment at her misstep and from the sight before her eyes. Emily was slightly hunched over looking almost ashamed but making no attempt to cover herself up. Her skin took on an almost bluish hue in the moonlight and faint goosebumps were beginning to pop up. JJ couldn't help but notice Emily's cold-hardened nipples, but also above and below them the cruel reminders of the trauma she'd suffered at the hands of Ian Doyle. The four-leaf clover brand stood out with a slight purple discoloration while the jagged scar just below her ribs still retained a pinkish tone over its pronounced whiteness. The last time she'd seen those injuries they had been painfully fresh, angry and red, speaking volumes of the violence that had put them there. Yet despite having seen them in that state it had been so easy for JJ to forget how much Emily had lived through and what having survived horrors like that could do to a person. Realizing she'd been staring for fair too long she cleared her throat and reached out her hand holding the pajamas.

"Here you go." Her voice squeaked like a boy going through puberty and she knew she was blushing all over again. Emily took the clothes from her outstretched hand and began to slip them on.

"Quite the sight aren't they?" She asked, throwing JJ further off balance before she realized Emily was talking about her scars. JJ managed a pathetic smile before she moved to the bed and sat down next to Emily. She waited until Emily had finished buttoning up her shirt before she spoke again.

"Was that what the nightmare was about? Doyle?"

"It's what they're always about Jayje." Emily's voice was flat, resigned.

"Do you want to talk about it?" JJ tried to make eye contact with Emily but she was busying herself with picking at her fingernails. When Emily offered no response JJ decided to drop it...for now. "How about you try to go back to sleep, you look exhausted." She slid back on the bed without waiting for an invitation and propped herself up with a couple of the overstuffed pillows, patting the sheets next to her. Emily looked apprehensive but didn't protest, scooting herself up next to JJ and pulling the sheets over her legs. For several minutes they remained quiet, neither sure what to say.

"I can go, if you want me to." JJ began to sit up, predicting the answer Emily would give and finding herself pleasantly surprised when Emily grabbed her by the wrist and said,

"No don't. Stay JJ. Just...stay. Please." JJ lay back down and was further surprised when Emily moved closer. Though their bodies were barely touching the electricity between them was palpable. Again they sat silently in the dark as the minutes crept by. Just when JJ thought Emily might have fallen back to sleep she spoke.

"I'm sorry you had to see me like that JJ. Thank you for staying."

"You don't need to apologize to me Emily, it's not your fault and you shouldn't be ashamed. You went through hell with Doyle." Again silence, but it was distinctly less uncomfortable than it had been. Emily took a deep breath, knowing she was treading in dangerous waters.

"Are you happy JJ?" JJ wasn't all together surprised by the question but still found herself struggling to answer.

"Henry is wonderful, he loves having Will home more and it's really helped with our schedule. But I do wish I could there more, I feel like I'm missing so much of his childhood already." She heard Emily sigh and looked over to see her shaking her head.

"That's not what I asked JJ. Are YOU happy?" There was an edge of irritation to her voice and JJ could feel her pull away slightly. She thought for a few minutes, carefully choosing her words.

"Yes Emily, I'm happy. In a lot of ways I am happy. I smile everyday when I see my son, I love waking up on weekends to his beautiful face, I love watching Will play with him or read him to sleep." Emily picked up on JJ's phrasing, her careful avoidance of any mention of how Will made her feel or how she felt about him, aside from that he was a good father. "Emily if there's something you want to know that I haven't answered just ask me." When Emily didn't speak JJ took the chance to turn the tables on her.

"Are _you_ happy?"

"I'm fine Jayje." Emily attempted to dodge the question, but JJ wouldn't let her get away with it.

"Fine is not the same as happy Em."

"JJ I'm...I'm not sure I know what happy is anymore. I'm glad I got the chance to come back, to see you all again. I'm amazed everyday that everyone has accepted me back with such open arms and I am grateful for that. But I honestly couldn't tell you if I'm happy." Her words made JJ's heart ache. Even from a distance she had been watching Emily at work, at get-togethers with the team, and she had seen the way her smile never reached her eyes, her laugh was rarely rich and full, and while she was always there when someone needed her she never sought anyone out for help or comfort. Emily turned away from JJ, curling into the fetal position defensively. JJ closed her eyes, thinking the conversation over until she heard five unbelievably surprising words penetrate the darkness,

"Do you still love me?" As the words resounded in her ears she could have sworn that the darkness got darker and the silence of the room even deeper, her heart's pounding sounding like thunder against her chest.

"Do you? Do you still love me?" Her answer told Emily everything she needed to know and, without rolling over, Emily snaked one hand behind her back and out from under the covers to grasp JJ's.  She could feel them both shaking as she whispered her one word answer into the dark, hearing it echoed back to her in JJ's tear strained whisper.

"Always."


	7. Chapter 7

_JJ looked around the small safe house. She wasn't entirely sure where they were, other than in or around Paris, and the one extremely small window in the kitchen didn't give her a view with any identifiable landmarks to work off of. She guessed that was kind of the point to a safe house, the harder it was to tell where you were the harder it would be to be found...or something like that. Agent Thomas, who had met them at the airport, informed them that this was just temporary housing for Emily, or as he called her Natalie, and that when her identity documents came in she'd be relatively free to move about her designated safe zones. Other than that he had no information on Emily, as far as he knew she was a protected witness in an organized crime case and there had been an attempt on her life in the states so she had to be moved overseas indefinitely. Hotch had thought of everything, her identity as Emily Prentiss had been completely concealed. She was Natalie Dawkins, born and raised in Massachusetts, her parents were both educators and she had lived a comfortably middle class life. She'd gone on to attend college at the University of Vermont and then medical school at Harvard University, eventually specializing in pediatric neurosurgery and taking a position at Massachusetts General Hospital. She had one failed marriage to a fellow doctor and no children. As far as anyone other than Hotch, JJ, and Emily knew it was Natalie who had witnessed a crime, Natalie who had almost been killed, and it was Natalie's identity that would be covered up when her documents came in. If anyone dug too deep into on one of her cover identities all they would find was Natalie. As far as the world was concerned Emily Prentiss died in surgery after a being tortured, beaten, and stabbed by Ian Doyle. As JJ watched Emily cautiously push herself up from the wheelchair Agent Thomas had used to bring her in from the curb she felt her heart ache with the knowledge of how close that had come to being true._

_"Let me help you Em." JJ hurried to her side, reaching for Emily's arm to lend support before she could protest._

_"Really JJ, I'm ok. I just had to get out of that chair. I hate feeling like an invalid." Emily staggered forward slightly hunched, clearly in a rather intense amount of pain, clutching involuntarily to JJ._

_"Do you need pain meds? What do they have you on anyway?"_

_"I don't know. Haven't been taking them for the past two days. As soon as I got them to take that damn IV out I've been going cold turkey."_

_"Emily that's ridiculous. You're hurt. You shouldn't let yourself suffer."_

_"It's not that bad Jayje. I'd rather be in pain, keeps me alert. The meds make me sleepy and dizzy. Now can you just help me to the bathroom? I'd kill for a bath." Emily shot JJ her best pleading puppy dog look in hopes that she'd drop the "take care of yourself" speech. JJ frowned back at her but steered them in the direction of the bathroom._

_"Ah yes, I knew there'd be a nice tub here. Gotta love the French." Emily sighed, looking around the well-equipped bathroom. There was a fairly large claw-foot tub, beautiful tile work all around, an oversized stall shower, pedestal sink, and an oddly out of place deep purple toilet. Right now Emily would have been satisfied with a large barrel full of hot water so she certainly wasn't going to complain about the toilet color. They moved into the bathroom together and stood in silence for a few moments before she realized why JJ was still standing next to her and what she was avoiding bringing up. "You can go JJ. I think I can handle this myself." Still JJ hesitated, eyeing Emily cautiously. Emily pulled her arm away from JJ, standing on her own and beginning to pull off her shawl. She sucked in her breath as she felt the sutures on her abdomen pull but she did her best not to react further, trying not to alert JJ. JJ was watching her skeptically, clearly doubting her ability to manage on her own. Despite the stiffness and the ache that pervaded her body, Emily reached down to the cuff of the sleeve by her left hand and held onto it as she slowly pulled her arm free, then repeated the motion on the other side before starting to drag the navy blue shirt up over her head. As her arms moved over her head she couldn't help but yelp. 'Damn it this hurts!' she thought as she begrudgingly slowed her movement and switched to trying to worm one arm the rest of the way out of the shirt at a time. JJ was frozen, staring at Emily's now exposed stomach which was mottled with purplish-green discoloration around the large bandaged area under which JJ knew lay the near fatal stake wound. She could see Emily's muscles tense as she fought the pain and she heard her breathing get shallower and shallower. It wasn't until Emily's legs buckled and she tipped forward into her that JJ snapped out of it, grabbing on to Emily and just barely keeping them both from hitting the floor._

_"Whoa there. I got you." she gently lowered herself and Emily to the floor, hearing the unevenness of Emily's breathing, feeling her breath catch a little with every inhalation. She positioned Emily between her legs as gently as she could, her back against JJ's chest. "What's wrong Em? What's going on? Is it the stitches, your wound?"_

_"Broken...ribs..." Emily gasped out. "Still...healing...can't...breathe...this...deep..." JJ could see the pain and lack of air starting to cause Emily to panic, her eyes were growing wild and desperate._

_"Hey, it's ok. Calm down sweetie." She began to stroke Emily's hair, running her fingers through the soft, almost black strands. "Just slow down, slow steady breaths."_

_"I...can't...Jayje!?" She was practically wheezing at this point and JJ was at a loss for what to do._

_"Come on Emily, focus! I need you to focus on what I'm saying. Breathe with me ok. In and out, nice and steady." JJ began the over-exaggerated calming breaths she'd been taught during birthing classes, placing her hands lightly on Emily's chest to give her something to focus on. She could tell Emily was trying but it was only serving to make her breaths more uneven as she became overly wrapped up in just how hard it was to get enough air. Emily's already pale skin was getting paler and JJ was terrified she was going to faint if she didn't calm down soon. Her mind raced as she tried to think of what to do. Suddenly she knew, and without letting herself ponder the repercussions she acted. Reaching down to she placed her fingers under Emily's chin, gently tilting her head up and back so that her face was angled towards JJ. Without a second thought JJ leaned down and placed her lips to Emily's gasping mouth, kissing her gently at first and then deeper as she felt Emily's breathing halt in surprise and then restart, shallow but much more even. Despite the circumstances JJ couldn't help but notice the electricity that shot through her body as soon as their lips touched. The kiss lingered, neither wanting the moment to end. Finally JJ pulled away, gazing almost shyly down into Emily's eye._

_"Better?" she asked quietly, feeling rather breathless herself now._

_"Yeah." Emily replied, still wheezing, but much quieter than before. "What was that for?"_

_"I needed to get your mind off your ribs and the pain...it was all I could think of." JJ could feel the blood rush to her face and knew she was blushing. The tension in the room was palpable as she waited for Emily to say something, or do something, but instead she simply stayed where she was, leaning on JJ with her head resting against her chest, listening to her heart beat. After what felt like an eternity she looked down at herself and began to laugh, promptly regretting it as she felt the searing pain sweep through her body again._

_"Oh, ow..." she muttered through clenched teeth, still chuckling a bit._

_"Hey, careful you! We don't need another panic attack on our hands here." JJ scolded, pushing Emily ever so slightly into a more upright position. She was lost as to what Emily could find funny right now...unless she was laughing at the kiss. JJ felt herself blushing, this time more hurt than nervous or embarrassed. Was Emily laughing at her? As if reading her mind Emily spoke,_

_"Look at me Jayje. I'm a mess. I'm all tangled in my shirt, half undressed, covered in these nasty bruises. I must look ridiculous." At her words JJ looked her up and down, a smile spreading across her face as she took in the scene. Emily had only managed to get one arm fully out of her shirt, the other was stuck with the sleeve bunched around her elbow which was keeping her forearm pinned between the fabric and her chest. On the other side the empty sleeve flopped back over her shoulder while the shirt had ridden up around her neck revealing one half of a black bra and the angry skin around a branded clover. Emily's usually coifed hair had been ruffled as they slid to the floor and it now had quite the cowlick. She did look ridiculous indeed. She felt the laughter tumble out of mouth and she rapidly disintegrated into a fit of hysterics._

_"Well I know I look pretty silly but I didn't think I looked that silly." Emily feigned hurt when in reality it was nice to see JJ laugh like this, it had been too long. Even before the transfer, before all of this drama with her "death", JJ's eyes had been clouded and weighed down with some unspoken burden. JJ's laughter had turned into squeaking as she tried to get control of herself so she could speak._

_"This is absurd. It's all so absurd." JJ managed between fits of giggles. She clamped a hand over her mouth and one over her stomach as her laughter got out of control again. There were tears streaming down her cheeks as she rocked side to side in her private hilarity. Then, without warning, she felt lips pressed against her own, stopping her laughter in its tracks. Her eyes sprung open to see Emily, eyes closed, leaning into the kiss. Surprise gave way to electric arousal almost immediately. Emily's kiss was more sensual than hers had been, more deliberate and wanting. Just as she felt Emily's tongue slide almost imperceptibly against her bottom lip she pulled back. Emily saw the pain in JJ's eyes where only moments ago had been mirth. JJ placed her hand on Emily's chest and pushed her back just enough so she could look fully into her face, her eyes._

_"Em..." she started but Emily interrupted her._

_"I'm sorry JJ, I didn't mean. I just...I didn't want you to go being the one to pass out from all that laughing." Emily tried to excuse the kiss, throw it away with a joke. She looked into JJ's eyes again, their bright blue sparkling with moisture from unshed tears, her emotions laid out like an open book; sadness, guilt, shame. A whisper slipped from JJ's mouth, just loud enough to be audible._

_"I'm pregnant."_


	8. Chapter 8

_Emily lurched to her feet and yanked herself free of her shirt, her physical state entirely forgotten about until the agonizing pain ripped through her again, causing her to come dangerously close to passing out all together. She grabbed on to the sink to steady herself, refusing to show weakness. JJ remained on the floor, hand clasped over her mouth as if trying to recapture and take back the words that had just spilled forth._

_"What the fuck are doing here? You're PREGNANT? For god's sake JJ!" Emily was fuming. Clearly she'd been off base in assuming that JJ had come because she wasn't happy with Will. But then what was up with that kiss? Was it really just a strategy to snap her out of her panic? And then there was the way JJ had responded to her kiss. It had been far from one-sided. The air in the room suddenly felt suffocating and she moved to the door, shaky and clutching at anything she could find to keep her standing as she went. She didn't want to panic again and right now she had to get away from JJ. "This was a mistake. You shouldn't have come."_

_"Em wait. I don't even know why I said that." JJ was pulling herself up, moving to follow Emily. She needed to explain. She couldn't believe 'I'm pregnant' had been her response to being kissed._

_"Oh so you're not pregnant? It's just the first thing that came to mind?" Emily's tone was biting. JJ shook her head, this wasn't going well at all._

_"No. I mean yes. I mean...I haven't even told Will yet. I just barely found out myself."_

_"Don't go putting your guilt for not telling your boyfriend on me JJ." Emily had taken JJ's words the wrong way, that wasn't what she'd meant at all._

_"I only found out right before I got the call about you, Em. About your kidnapping. I've been so busy with all of that that I've hardly even thought about it since." JJ was trying to explain but Emily had already made up her mind about what she was saying._

_"Well I'm sorry my dying got in the way of your happy family JJ. Maybe you should just go home. Go back to playing house." Her words stung, she'd never spoken to JJ like this before, with such acidic harshness. JJ was losing her patience._

_"Emily would you shut up and listen to me!" JJ almost stomped her foot as she spoke, reminding herself for an instant of Henry when he was being petulant. Emily fixed her with an emotionless stare, cutting JJ off completely from seeing how she felt. "I'm not blaming you for any of this, and I certainly don't want to make you feel guilty. I came back to find you because the team needed me, because you needed me, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat." Still Emily remained blank, showing no reaction to JJ's words, but she also didn't interrupt so JJ took that as permission to continue. "I haven't told Will because I wasn't sure how I felt about it. Since everything, since all of this with you...since almost losing you I just...it didn't feel like it would fix anything anymore." She looked at her feet as she trailed off, feeling like she might as well have been standing naked in a room full of strangers, she was so completely exposed. Emily's voiced was quiet when she spoke but still masked, giving JJ no clues as to what she had taken from her admission._

_"Fix anything?"_

_"I just thought," JJ began, eyes still fixed to the floor studying a small worn spot on the carpet. "We love Henry so much and Will is such a good father. I thought if we had another baby it would...make it feel right. And then I got that call from the BAU telling me that you were missing and...and..."_

_"And what, JJ? What do I have to do with you and Will? Or with a baby?" The slightest hint of emotion crept through Emily's walls, though not enough for JJ to identify what it was._

_"None of it mattered anymore. Trying to have a baby to make things with Will feel right, feel real, it all seemed absurd. Because as soon as I heard your name you were what mattered. When I saw you in the ambulance barely clinging to life, I knew." JJ raised her eyes, leaving her feelings wide open for Emily to see, hoping the sincerity in them would be clear to her._

_"You knew? What are you trying to say here?" Emily's voice cracked ever so slightly._

_"You were what mattered." JJ repeated. "You are what matters. You feel right. Everything, every moment with you feels right, feels more real than anything I've ever felt in my entire life. Even the horrible moments, even the fights, even when I thought you were going to die on that table...I would take any one of those moments over a second with Will." The silence was thick as JJ let her words hang in the air, waiting apprehensively for Emily to react. She could hear her heartbeat in her ears and found she was becoming increasingly aware of how bright the lights suddenly seemed. She could see Emily wavering on her feet, struggling to stay upright, but still she gave no response. She took a deep breath and moved forward, closing the gap between them until they were so close that she could feel Emily's breath on her face._

_"If you're saying you love me I need it to be real." Tears were beginning to spring forth in Emily's eyes, unable to hold her emotions back any longer. "This can't just be because I almost died, this can't be because you're running from Will. I need you to love me completely and not just love me more than you love him." JJ's hand came up to cup Emily's cheek as she spoke, seeing the utter fear in her eyes and wanting desperately to convince Emily that she was safe._

_"I know Em. I know. I love you. I think I've loved you since the first day I met you." JJ ran her thumb across Emily's cheekbone, over and over. Emily wanted so badly to believe what JJ was saying but something in the back of her mind told her that as much as JJ wanted to believe her own words there were still doubts there. Before she had a chance to question JJ further, all of her own apprehension was forced out of her consciousness as JJ began kissing a line from her collarbone to just below her ear, whispering as she went._

_"I love you, I love you, I love you." Emily wasn't wrong, JJ did have her doubts, but they all seemed so silly, so small and pointless standing there, inhaling Emily's scent. Every second thought that had kept her from saying these things before floated away on her kisses. Maybe it was almost losing Emily that had caused this bravado, but did that mean it was any less real? Why shouldn't she be afraid that Emily would slip from her life? Why did fear as a motivation make her love less true, less everlasting? As she felt Emily begin to react to the kisses she lay on the sensitive skin of her neck all of her doubts vanished. Every thought of Will was gone. All that mattered was right here, in her arms. She continued her trail of kisses, behind Emily's ear, across to her earlobe, along her jaw line, and finally up to her lips. Emily's lips, though hesitant at first, responded and the kiss grew deeper, full of longing. JJ felt Emily's hand entwine itself in her hair, pulling her closer. JJ let her fingers roam, slowly sliding up Emily's stomach. Suddenly she felt Emily jerk, inhaling sharply._

_"Oh my god, I'm so sorry Em, I forgot." She looked down, seeing that her fingers had begun to slip under the gauze bandaging._

_"It's ok JJ. It's not your fault." Emily covered her bandage with her hand defensively. "I would love to continue this but..."_

_"You're exhausted and would like it if I could help you change your bandages and then crawl into bed with you?" JJ finished her sentence. Emily gave her a crocked smile._

_"Well I can't say I want you to help me change my bandages but I don't think I have much of a choice, I'm no good at doing it myself. Besides, the doctor made me promise someone else would clean and dress the incision and check the stitches."_

_'Alright, sit down Em, let me take a look." Emily did as instructed, sitting on the bed and leaning back on her elbows to give JJ better access. Slowly and carefully JJ pealed back the gauze and her heart sank at what lay underneath. "...Oh Emily..." she exhaled a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. The original stab wound had been about 2 inches by 2 inches but there had been complications in surgery and the opening was now around 5 inches long, slightly jagged where the doctors had widened the cut at an odd angle. Shivers ran up Emily body as JJ trailed her fingers along near the wound, staying a safe distance away but following its path._

_"The bandages and ointment are in my bag, front pocket. All you have to do is used one of the cotton swabs to coat the stitches with the ointment and then re-bandage it. Unless it looks like it needs to be washed off." Emily wanted to get this over with as quickly as possible. Having the harsh reminder of Ian Doyle between herself and JJ was making her uncomfortable. She felt entirely too vulnerable and wanted to get the ugly thing covered back up so she could go back to pretending it wasn't an issue, that it didn't hurt, that it wasn't haunting every minute of every day. JJ did as instructed, moving gently but rapidly, sensing Emily's discomfort. While she went to the bathroom to wash up, Emily crawled higher up onto the bed and managed to get herself partially under the covers, too tired to bother brushing her teeth or digging up a change of clothes. The day had quite literally been longer than average, lasting from D.C.'s evening to morning over the Atlantic and on to the next night in Paris, and with all of the events that had taken place Emily was actually beginning to wonder if she hadn't lapsed into unconsciousness somewhere along the line and imaged what she had so hoped would be the truth.  JJ loved her. She really loved her, or so she said, and Emily wanted it to be true too badly to argue or question it. Maybe she'd been right, maybe this would be their second chance._

_By the time JJ returned from the bathroom Emily was asleep, half under the sheets and still wearing her bra and pants. JJ took a moment to take in the scene. The bruising on Emily's face and stomach seemed darker, her skin paler. She looked fragile, as if she might shatter at any moment. Even in sleep JJ could see the tension she was holding in every muscle, both from the pain and the fear, and she wished she could take it all away and give back the elegant strength Emily had always carried herself with. Cautious not to wake her JJ undid the buttons on Emily's pants and pulled them down, folding them carefully and putting them on the chair by the bed. She dug through Emily's luggage until she found an oversized University of Vermont long-sleeved shirt. 'Hotch you really do think of everything don't you?' she thought, inspecting the garment. The shirt was worn as if Emily, or Natalie, had owned it since college. She couldn't help but feel a little bit bad for the poor agent-in-training that had been tasked with getting and aging the shirt. Trying not to let her eyes linger on the scabbing brand on Emily's chest she managed to remove her bra with very little jostling, and slipped the shirt on over her head. Emily's failure to react spoke volumes of her exhaustion, both physical and mental. It had seemed Emily was always on edge, on alert. She was always the first to wake up to a strange bump in the night, the first to hear an unsub moving in a quite house. Tonight, however, she only scowled slightly in her sleep, moaning softly when JJ's ministrations caused her pain. JJ pulled off her own clothes and opted to wear Emily's navy blue shirt that she'd discarded earlier to bed. In her haste to get to the airport she'd failed to pack much and the comfort of having an article of clothing that was authentically Emily's wrapped around her was just what she needed. She slid into bed next to Emily and, as she lay in the dark, began to think about everything that had happened since she'd gotten that text, since she'd dropped everything and left her boyfriend and child behind to follow this incredible woman across the globe. And now it seemed she had made her choice. She had told Emily she loved her, and it was true, she loved her deeply and with parts of her heart and her soul she'd never even known existed before Emily came into her life. Despite where they were, despite the circumstances and all of the reasons staring her in the face screaming that this could never work, that they could never last, that she couldn't stay in hiding with Emily forever, JJ couldn't help but lose herself in the idea that somehow they would make it. She wouldn't let Emily slip away again. As she thought her hand wandered down to her stomach, resting over the tiny fetus growing within her. She reached out under the covers to find Emily's hand and pulled it over, placing it where hers had been and holding it there below her own. Emily's fingers were cold against her stomach and she rubbed them lightly between her palm and her belly, trying in vain to warm them up. She looked over at Emily's face silhouetted in the dark and felt a solitary tear escape her eye._

_"This can be ours, Em. This one can be ours."_

_And in that moment, in the seductive safety of the night far from all of her obligations, with nothing but the sounds of Emily's breathing and the feel of her skin to keep her company, JJ truly believed that could be true._


	9. Chapter 9

JJ's eyes fluttered open, squinting against the sunlight streaming in through the large bedroom windows. As they slowly adjusted to the brightness her mind worked to sort out her surroundings. The previous night came back to her, the call from Emily, picking her up drunk in an alley, the nightmare and the conversation that followed. Immediately she felt her anxiety rise, without the cover of darkness everything began to feel all too real. It was then that she realized where she was, snuggled under the covers in Emily's bed, tucked into the crook of her arm with her head resting on Emily's chest between her shoulder and breast, and one arm had that found its way under Emily's shirt and lay draped across her abdomen, her hand covering the scar. She froze, taking in the intimacy of the touch and unsure what to do.

"Relax Jayje, I'm not going to bite." Emily tone was teasing as she felt JJ jump slightly with surprise, her hand jerking away from the scar before hesitantly returning, hovering mere millimeters off the raised skin. JJ let out a brief nervous laugh.

"How long have you be awake?"

"About an hour." JJ pushed herself up on one elbow, looking incredulously at Emily.

"Seriously? Why didn't you wake me? Or...I don't know, move me?"

"You needed the sleep, it was a rough night, and..." Emily paused and then, deciding at this point it couldn't hurt to be honest, continued, "it was nice having you here. Like this." She looked into JJ's big blue eyes as she spoke, trying to read her reaction. What she saw was a mix of emotions, sadness, guilt, and something else, something warmer. Was it love or longing? The warmth began to spread across JJ's face as a smile softened her features.

"Well I can't say I hated it." A blush spread across the apples of her cheeks and she unconsciously raised her hand to cover it. Glancing around the room she spotted the clock and her mouth fell open. "11:30? Is that thing right?"

"Yeah, I know. I haven't slept this late in...well..." Emily let her words trail off, uncertain as to whether she should continue and bring up a touchy subject. JJ answered that question before Emily had the chance.

"Since our last morning at the safe house." JJ held eye contact, seeing the tension in Emily's face. "I remember it too, Em. Feels like another lifetime."

"And like it was yesterday at the same time." Emily found their close contact suddenly uncomfortable. While she lay propped up slightly, JJ remained pushed right up against her side, supported by one elbow with her arm still against Emily's stomach. At some point her fingers had begun to trace patterns lightly against Emily's skin, sending a shiver up her spine and the beginnings of a tingling heat between her legs. Emily wanted to pull back, to get away from those arousing fingers, but her body refused to move. JJ noticed the halt in Emily's breathing, feeling her stomach tense beneath her fingers, realizing only then that they had been moving and how that must have been making Emily feel. She stopped her movement but didn't pull away, instead placing her palm flat against the thick skin of the scar. She looked into Emily's eyes, the intensity of her emotions forcing Emily to fight the urge to look away. There was something she wanted to know, needed to know, and she suspected Emily needed to talk about it too.

"Emily what did Doyle do to you?" JJ saw the fear flash across Emily's eyes before she pushed it back behind her walls. "Talk to me. I know you, I know you haven't talked to anyone about this, not really." Emily broke eye contact, pushing herself further up on the bed and moving JJ's hand off of her scar, covering it instead with her own.

"You know what he did. He tried to kill me, and he damn near succeeded. What more is there to talk about?"

"There's that brand, for one. You said you were going to get it removed. And there's whatever caused that nightmare. You were talking in your sleep before I got to you last night. You said 'I know what you want. I can be her again. Please don't hurt them.' You were begging." Emily was gnawing on her fingernails as JJ talked. JJ waited patiently, she knew there was only so far she could push her before she'd shut her out completely.

"He was threatening to kill Seaver and Rossi. He had eyes on them on the roof and he made me watch. I just barely convinced him to shoot Fahey instead. They were there because of me, trying to find me." JJ remained silent, letting Emily take her time, encouraging her to continue at her own speed. "I tried to give him Lauren back. It was stupid and desperate but I panicked, I didn't know what else to do. He saw right through me and it almost cost me everything." JJ reached up and pulled Emily's hand, which had begun worrying at her brand, down to her lap.

"Who was Lauren? I mean, I know she was your cover, but who was she really to Doyle?"

"Lauren was...everything to him. He loved her, loved me. Doyle let his guard down with no one, but he let it down with me. He believed me when I told him I was loyal, when I told him I loved him, when I agreed to marry him. I was good at being Lauren, good at being liar. So good that I started to believe that I cared for him. I started to believe that there was a good man in there...one who wouldn't do this to me. But when it mattered, when it could have saved my friends lives, my own life, I couldn't do it. I failed. I was wrong the whole time about him and how much I, how much Lauren meant to him." Emily looked at JJ, making eye contact for the first time since she'd begun discussing Doyle. "JJ I don't think I ever really thanked you."

"For what?"

"For coming back, for helping them find me. I'd have died in the warehouse if it weren't for you."

"You don't have to thank me Emily. I would do it again. I hope I never have to but I would. I'm thankful everyday for the fact that I was able to help. You know, it wasn't until Hotch called that I realized just how much I knew about you that the rest of the team didn't. I guess I hadn't ever thought about what that meant."

"I trusted you Jayje."

"Trusted?" JJ's hearted ached at the past tense of Emily's words. She hated the thought that she had hurt her, though she knew she had, and worse was the idea that she had violated her trust. "You can still trust me, Em." She spoke with a painful longing in her voice. Emily's shoulder's sagged,

"I wish I could." Immediately she knew by JJ's reaction that that had come out wrong. "No, I mean, it's not you JJ. It's just that I don't know if I can trust myself anymore, never mind someone else. I've always been good at reading people, at knowing what they want to hear and how they want to hear it. I messed that up with Doyle, and now I'm barely getting by at work...I'm slipping up..."

JJ interrupted, "What do you mean 'barely getting by at work'? You're doing great, you're amazing. As always."

"You see what you want to see JJ. You didn't see me with that woman on the last case. She saw right through me. She knew, in an instant, what had happened to me. She knew about Doyle and she knew I would have killed him if I'd had the chance. I didn't have to say anything, she just saw it. She did my job and read me while all I did was ruin her life. She wasn't wrong, it is unfair. My monster is dead while hers is still out there. I only wish I could have told her that dead or not he's still a monster, he's still hiding in the darkness under the bed, just behind every partially open door, in every recess of my mind. It's almost worse having him dead because now I can't analyze him, I can't figure out how he got into my mind so deeply, and I can't scare him out."

"Emily no one blames you for anything that happened with Doyle, or for taking some time to get through it." JJ tried to comfort her but Emily wasn't listening.

"I cried to Hotch, JJ. I cried to him about all of this. I've been lying to my therapist, lying to myself, lying to the team. I can't tell whether I'm no good at it or if it's the only thing I'm really good at anymore. Nothing in my life feels real. I'm back on the team because I don't know who I am without them, but I don't know who I am as a part of the team either. I don't even know when what I'm feeling is authentic or when it's just another lie I'm telling myself to get through the day or play a part." Before Emily could continue her rambling she found JJ straddling her waist.

"Emily. Shut up. You need to listen to me." Emily did as she was told, stunned into silence be JJ's actions. "I know who you are. You are Emily Prentiss. You are a smart, brave, funny, amazingly dorky, incredibly beautiful, and fantastically selfless woman. I _see_ you. You are a damn good profiler and yes, a good liar. But you can't lie to me, not about who you are. That's what sneaks through when you're not trying, when no one is watching, and that's what I see every time I look at you." With that JJ bent down and placed a determined, forceful kiss on Emily's lips. Though hesitant at first, Emily began to respond. Her hands slid up JJ's thighs to her hips, holding her firmly in place, and she leaned into JJ's kiss, deepening it. She felt JJ's hand come to the back of her head, pulling her closer. The kiss spoke volumes, emphasizing everything she had just said. When they finally broke the kiss their faces lingered only an inch apart, chests heaving as they breathed in the emotion laden air. JJ rested her forehead against Emily's, inhaling her scent, basking in the moment and willing herself not to think about the outside world. Emily was here, right here, with her. Nothing else mattered.

"Jayje?"

"Mmm?"

"What happened to the baby?" The question hit JJ like a punch to the gut, sucking all the oxygen from the room. It seemed out of left field but JJ didn't ask where it had come from. She felt Emily's thumb wipe the tears from her cheek before she was even aware she'd begun crying. She looked into Emily's eyes and saw her own tears mirrored back by the dark orbs, now so much more open than they'd been earlier. Not without walls, but those that were there had doors.

"I lost it. After I left you...there was an explosion...there was nothing I could do."

"Of course there wasn't JJ. I never would have thought...I knew you wanted that child."

"So did you Emily. I am so sorry."

"No JJ, hush." Emily sat forward, wrapping her arms tightly around JJ's small frame and pulling her close. "You don't apologize. Not to me, not to anyone."

"I lost our baby and then I gave up. I gave up on us and I left you." JJ was sobbing now, overcome as her bottled up feelings exploded, uncorked at last.

"You did no such thing. I left you JJ. **I left**. I disappeared from your life, from life itself. You were alone with this and I should have been there but I wasn't. You may have chosen Will but I chose nothing. I chose abstraction. I ran. And you found someone that makes you happy. You chose to live. I can't fault you for that."

"I didn't choose." JJ's voice was barely more than a whisper. She pushed herself up so she could sit back and look at Emily. She saw the confusion on the face before her. "I let him choose. I let the pattern I was already in choose. I let my idea of what my life would be choose. But I never chose. I just locked you away and relinquished my wants." She pushed a stray lock of dark hair behind Emily's ear, pausing to let her hand rest on the side of her face, marveling in the beauty of this woman who she had thought for so long she'd never see again. In this moment she couldn't believe she'd kept such a distance since Emily had been home, couldn't believe she had waited this long to be back in her arms. "I wanted to choose you. I would have chosen you." There was a pause while the words that had just slipped out sunk in for both of them.

"You still could. I'm right here Jayje."

"It's not too late?" JJ's voice was small and almost childish, her eyes downcast. Emily placed one finger below her chin and nudged her gaze back upwards.

"It doesn't have to be. If I'm still what you want." Emily voice was gentle and comforting, a warm blanket around JJ's frightened heart. "I don't know why I'd be your choice but I'd be glad to be. You were always mine. Even when I didn't know it, even though I don't know who I am anymore...maybe you gave up your choice but you know who you are. In your heart you've always known, I can see it. You have a compass I've never had..." JJ's self-deprecating laugh cut her off.

"I don't know what I'm doing half the time Emily. I'm glad you think so highly of me but damn, I think that compass is broken." Emily placed her hand just to the left of center on JJ's chest.

"No JJ, it's right here. It's your heart, it's your light. You just have to listen to it. When you do it's always right. I've seen you do it with victims, let your heart speak and you say just what they need to hear, connect and comfort when the rest of us can't. You talk about trying to find your way, but to me, you are my way."

"How can I be your way when I'm lost myself?" JJ wrapped her hand around Emily's, wanting so badly for this to be real.

"Maybe we can find our way together." Emily's heart was pounding, her head spinning. Were they really having this conversation? How had so much changed in one night?

"I would like that." JJ's knee-weakening smile flashed as she leaned in again, capturing Emily's lips with her own.


	10. Chapter 10

Emily's hands slid over the smooth skin of JJ's bare stomach, her shirt long since discarded on the floor. Their kisses had deepened as hands began to wander, reacquainting themselves with bodies long untouched. JJ remained straddling her, but Emily was in control, allowing her mouth to explore the curve of JJ's breasts, teasing her nipple with her tongue and enjoying the shiver her actions sent down JJ's spine. She trailed her hands down JJ's sides, coming to rest just below her bottom. With one swift move she flipped their positions, laying JJ down on the bed below her and moving her ministrations lower. JJ let out a little giggle, smiling at Emily as she gave her a mischievous wink. This felt good, so very good. The early afternoon light filtering in through the windows highlighted the chestnut and amber in Emily's otherwise nearly jet-black hair, and it glowed behind her head giving her a haloed appearance. The room was warm but not uncomfortably so, and the feel of Emily's fingers against her naked skin felt incredible. In that moment JJ couldn't imagine anywhere in the world she'd rather be.

"Come 'ere Em." she husked, reaching down and pulling Emily up her body until she lay against her, supporting her weight on her elbows, her fingers stroking the strands of JJ's golden hair that sprawled out across the pillow. Their kisses were deep and intimate, their tongues playing over each other's lips. Emily's hand began to descend, tracing the line of JJ's hip bone. Though her whole body craved this touch and she could feel the wetness between her legs growing she had to stop Emily. She needed to do this right. "Wait, stop." She reached down and stilled Emily's hand. Emily's felt her stomach lurch at JJ's words. Was this not what she wanted? JJ cupped Emily's cheek and brushed the hair out of her eyes, gently tucking it behind her ear. She repeated the motion several times while her eyes traced the shape of Emily's face.

"JJ I'm sorry, I thought this was what you wanted. If you're not ready..." Emily was silenced by a quick kiss.

"It's not that hun, I just want to do this right this time. It been so long and that last time was...well, I've regretted that for a long time." A look of sadness crossed Emily's face as she thought back to the last time and realization dawned in her eyes. JJ continued, "I shouldn't have come here that night, not after everything, and not the way I did."

"JJ I don't blame you for what happened that night. I wasn't in a good place, I could have stopped you, sent you home, but I didn't. That was my choice."

"I told myself, at first, that I just needed to make sure you were ok but that was a lie. I needed you to make me feel something. I was drowning and I decided you could save me."

"I've been there Jayje, and we both made mistakes in the past. But that's all it is now, the past." Emily leaned in to kiss along JJ's collarbone tenderly. "I'm just glad you're here now."

"Me too. I'm sorry it took me so long." A smile with an edge of sadness played on her lips as she kissed the top of Emily's head. "Now, let me repay you for your patience." With that she rolled them, topping Emily once again. Emily gave a throaty laugh which instantly warmed JJ's heart.

"I am anything but patient JJ, or don't you remember?"

"Well I'm going to make up for last time then, and all the times I missed out on since." She sat back and admired what lay below her. Emily's skin was a beautiful porcelain and she wore her scars like badges of honor, letting them tell the story of what she had survived, of how strong she was. Her breasts were full and as JJ surveyed them she was pleased to see the way the skin around her nipples puckered as they swelled, their color darkening with her aroused pulse. She could see the rise and fall of Emily's chest change pace as her breathing increased in anticipation. Emily squirmed beneath her ever so slightly. 'Impatient indeed' JJ thought with a grin before diving down to enveloped Emily's swollen nipple with her lips. Emily moaned softly, arching her back and closing her eyes. JJ moved one hand to begin massaging Emily's other breast, intent on stretching out her teasing as long as possible. She was going to show Emily just how much she had missed her.  She felt Emily's fingers creeping towards her center and she reached down to grab her wrist, pushing her arm up above her head.

"Uh, uh, uh, Prentiss. You just lie back and enjoy. No touching." She moved Emily's other hand up above her head as well, and for just a minute thought about making use of the cuffs that sat on the bedside table before deciding that it might be a little too much too soon. Emily gave an overly-exasperated sigh and pouted but didn't resist.

"Yes ma'am, Agent Jareau." A sparkle in her eyes told JJ that she was enjoying this. With one hand still holding Emily's wrists, JJ began kissing down Emily's jaw-line, nipping at her pulse point before continuing down and returning to her breast. She let her tongue dance over the already hard nipple, coaxing it to rise even further while she allowed her free hand to caress the skin by Emily's hip bone. Her own body hummed with desire, electricity shooting through her each time her breasts touched Emily's skin, the heat growing as her center slid against the thigh that Emily had snuck between her legs. She moaned against the nipple in her mouth, her hips moving in sync with Emily's leg, putting pressure on her swollen clit. She pulled back and looked into Emily's eyes, finding no walls between them to shroud the desire and love shining from her sex-darkened orbs. She kept eye contact as her fingers slid between folds so incredibly wet it made her gasp.  She felt Emily's hips begin to move beneath her, placing her clit in contact with JJ's fingers. She let out a deep moan, head tilting back at the sensation. JJ traced circles around the sensitive nub, flicking over it occasionally and relishing in the jerking thrusts it caused. She was careful not to give in to Emily's desire for direct contact, enjoying bringing her arousal to the brink and then backing off over and over again.

"JJ let me touch you." Emily pleaded, shear erotic hunger in her eyes.

"Oh no, not yet." JJ smirked and before Emily could protest she slid a finger deep inside and watched as Emily's head rocked back, one arm escaping JJ's grasp and shooting back to grip the headboard. JJ allowed her finger to stay where it was for a moment, taking in the tight heat and feeling more at home and at peace in that moment than she had in months. Finally, pulling out slowly and then, watching Emily's reaction, she slid in a second finger and saw her grip tighten on the headboard, her mouth falling open in a soundless moan. Steadily she increased the speed of her movement, curling her fingers slightly with each stroke. Emily's heart was hammering in her chest at this point, her pulse like thunder in her veins and she felt a tightening in her core. It was rare that JJ took control like this, and even rarer that Emily's surrendered it. She felt her mind fighting to take over, to keep her body from giving in to the intense pleasure she was feeling. She wriggled her remaining hand out of JJ's hold and dipped it, without hesitation, between JJ's thighs. Before she could gain entrance to her center, JJ recaptured her hand and held on tight, interlacing their fingers.

"Let me love you Emily." JJ's eyes locked with hers as she spoke. "I've got you, let go." She could see the fear in Emily's eyes and it broke her heart. "Trust me Emily. I've got you." She repeated as she continued her thrusts, adding to them her thumb stroking along Emily's clit. She could feel the last of Emily's fight go out of her as she let herself open to JJ and her muscles began to spasm around JJ's fingers.

"Jayje..." Emily gasped as her body arched of its own accord and, the hand holding JJ's tightened its grip impossibly.

"Look at me Em, I'm right here." Doing as she was told Emily held JJ's gaze as she felt herself flailing over the edge of ecstasy. An almost primal cry escaped her lips as her skin flushed with orgasm. Her mind went blank as wave after wave of overflowing joy crashed over her. All it took was the sight of Emily cumming beneath her and the sustained pressure from her thigh to set JJ off herself, moaning as her body gave out from the unexpected release and she collapsed. She left her fingers in place as she panted, trying to catch her breath and feeling Emily doing the same beneath her. She smiled, relaxing further as she felt Emily's hand begin to stroke through her hair. Ever so gently she retracted her fingers, hearing the quivering in Emily's breathing as she did.

"That was...different...and amazing." Emily spoke once she'd finally regained enough of her wits to put more than two words together into a sentence.

"Mmmhmm." was all JJ could managed in response. For several minutes they stayed as they were, sweaty bodies pressed together, feeling the thrumming of their pulses align. At long last JJ spoke, "I can't believe it took me so long to come back to you. This feels like home to me Em. You feel like home." A tear slipped from her eye and ran down her cheek and she was uncertain whether it was one of happiness or sadness, or perhaps just relief.

"You're the only thing that's ever felt like home to me." Emily was almost too scared to admit this and shocked herself by saying it out loud before her brain could get control of her mouth. She couldn't shake the thought that this wouldn't last, that just like every time before she would put up her defenses and cut ties before she could get hurt, or JJ would go home to Will and realize the mistake she was making. "JJ, I don't want this to be goodbye..." JJ sat up and grabbed Emily hands roughly, her expression one of seriousness and absolute sincerity.

"Emily Prentiss you listen to me. I love you. This was not some fling or a last hurrah. This is what I want. You are who I want. And if you so much as think of leaving me again..."

"Ok, ok! Sorry. I just, I didn't want this to be like last time. It's not a fling for me either Jayje. You're all I want, I'm with you." Emily's eyes were soft and loving and JJ's momentary panic subsided. She didn't even want to fathom having to say goodbye to Emily ever again. But then there was Will, and Henry...just as she felt her panic returning Emily's cell rang from the nightstand. Glancing over and seeing that it was Garcia's office number she reached for it and handed the phone to Emily, figuring it was about work. Emily took the phone with a look of annoyance at being pulled out of their perfect afternoon and answered it in her best "Agent Prentiss" voice.

"Prentiss. Yes Garcia, I'm at home. We're supposed to have the whole weekend off so you'd better have a good reason for disturbing me. What? No Will hasn't called me. Why would he call me?"

JJ's heart dropped and she jumped out of bed at the mention of her boyfriend's name. Why was Garcia asking Emily about Will? She frantically began searching the clothes scattered on the floor trying to find her phone, continuing to listen to Emily's conversation.

"Um, no, I don't know where JJ is. I haven't seen her since I left yesterday, but she was still in her office. You did what Garcia?? In her desk? Penelope don't panic, she's a big girl, I'm sure she's fine. She probably just forgot it, you know how she is, and then went out with some friends and lost track of time. Yes I'll let you know if I hear from her. But promise me you won't go calling the rest of the team about this until we give her a little longer to show up. Pen she's probably going to walk through those doors with a hangover in search of her phone any minute now. You know how JJ gets when she's challenged to a game of darts. Yes, I promise. Goodbye Garcia." Emily hung up the phone and tossed it aside, looking up to find JJ pulling on one of her tops from the closet over yesterday's underwear.

"What was that about Will?" JJ asked as she turned her attention to finding the pants she'd been wearing yesterday.

"Will called Garcia looking for you this morning. He said you never came home and hadn't answered your cell phone since yesterday afternoon. Garcia went in to work to look for you, when she didn't find you she panicked and tracked your phone and found it in your desk drawer on vibrate with about a hundred calls and texts from Will. He thought you might have gotten stuck on a case but after finding out from Garcia that we were all sent home early yesterday I think you're going to have to come up with another excuse for avoiding him." Emily's voice was flat and emotionless, her walls sliding back into place to keep her terror at the reminder of Will and JJ's 'real' life well hidden. Having located her pants and slipped them on, JJ turned her full attention back to Emily, seeing the professional mask firmly in place where just moments ago had been the open and fragile Emily she loved, who loved her.

"I have to go home." was all she could say, knowing there was no way to make this right in the moment. Emily gave a curt nod, pulling the covers up slightly, subconsciously wanting to cover her body. JJ moved to the edge of the bed and leaned over, placing a tender kiss on her lips. "I'm sorry." she whispered. It seemed a phrase she said too often and she doubted whether it actually did anything to make up for all the hurt she'd caused. Emily kissed her back but didn't say anything. JJ stood to leave, feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt and the intense desire not to leave this room, this bubble of tranquility they had created over the past several hours. She looked out the window, desperate for an easy fix.

"Go, JJ. I understand." Emily spoke softly

"This is going to get messy, isn't it?" JJ asked sheepishly, still staring out the window as if she might find the solution to all of this if she just looked hard enough.

"This started messy Jayje." Emily answered, gazing down at her hands as she began to pick at her nails. JJ avoided eye contact as she scanned the room for anything she might be forgetting before heading into the living room to collect the last of her belongings. Emily couldn't bring herself to get up as she listened to JJ gathering her things. She wasn't sure why she'd lied to Garcia. Couldn't she have just told her the truth? Or not the truth exactly, but she could have said JJ was with her, that'd they been out the night before and the night got away from them. It was her guilty conscience that made a lie come easier than the truth, and she wondered whether that should set off warning bells. After all, if what they were doing was right, was what was meant to be, why would she feel so damn guilty about it all? She wasn't the one with a dedicated boyfriend and child waiting at home. She was doing no harm to anyone by being with JJ. Even as she thought it she couldn't make herself believe it, wasn't able to honestly say that she didn't feel like JJ's cheating wasn't somehow her doing, her fault, a result of her seduction, in the first place. Then again, would it be so bad if they were caught red handed? At least they'd be together and they could stop lying. Lying, it seemed, was always what Emily's life boiled down to.

"Emily?" JJ's voice drifted back to her from the entry way.

"Yeah?"

"This isn't goodbye. Promise me this isn't goodbye."

"I promise." Emily heard the door creak open and then three last words reached her ears,

"I love you." With that JJ was gone, the door clicking shut behind her. Emily flopped back onto her pillow playing JJ's words over and over in her head like a mantra, 'this isn't goodbye. this isn't goodbye.' She rolled over and reached for the pillow JJ had been sleeping on just hours before, bringing it to her face and inhaling her scent. She closed her eyes, suddenly completely drained and grateful that she wasn't expected anywhere that day. Within minutes she had drifted off, clutching the pillow to her chest like a life preserver, the mantra still running through her mind.

'This isn't goodbye, this isn't goodbye, this isn't goodbye..."


	11. Chapter 11

JJ sat in her car outside the BAU desperately attempting to settle the nerves bubbling up in her stomach. She had barely gotten home when Hotch had called to ask her to look over a case file and pull together any information she had on it. That she had to work on what was supposed to be a long weekend was just about the last thing Will had wanted to hear, especially since she had already mysteriously vanished for almost 24 hours. His words had been uncharacteristically harsh, and while she'd been busy dodging his questions and making up excuses she had felt her level of  guilt begin to rise. What was she doing? When did she become a person who lied to her boyfriend, the father of her child, to her child himself? Or, if she was honest with herself, had she ever not been this person with Will? Had she ever been truthful with him? She couldn't say she'd been dismayed to get Hotch's call, on the contrary it had been her reason for escape. It was her reason to run back to the office and away from the lies, away from the big eyes and sweet whispering voice of her son asking "Mommy why you no read me bedtime stawies?" She knew she couldn't run forever, but for now there was no place she'd rather be than back at work. She knew if this case panned out they would be heading out within the next day, and that would mean a trip away from Will. A trip with Emily.

        The day had been hell. They were making little progress on the case and more victims kept popping up. Finally they had all agreed to call it a night, much to everyone's frustration. As they piled into the elevator at their hotel Garcia's voice could be heard babbling away on the other end of Morgan's phone, Hotch was buried nose deep in a file, Rossi looked particularly exhausted as he rubbed his furrowed brow, and Reid seemed to be puzzling over something in his head while he stared off in the direction of the ceiling, eyes unfocused. Emily glanced across the confined space at JJ, who was leaning against the handrail, her head tilted back and eyes closed. She looked completely drained and Emily wondered if that was more to do with the case or the events of the past couple of days. Arriving at their floor they plodded out in silence, pairing off and heading to their respective rooms. A smirk crossed Emily's face as she thought of the brief argument that had taken place between Morgan and Reid about who would get the bed once they'd found out that a mix-up with their rooms had put the two of them in a suite with only one queen-sized bed. Reid couldn't find any logical reason why they couldn't simply share the bed but Morgan was having none of that. While on his way past, and without even looking up at either of them, Hotch had silenced the bickering duo by volunteering JJ and Emily to take the suite. Neither objected, though she noticed the way JJ avoided eye contact, staring intently at her feet.  So now here they were, standing just inside what turned out to by a particularly nice room. Emily had just barely heard the soft click of the door shutting behind her when she found herself shoved up against it with JJ's lips pressed hard to hers.

"Well hello to you too." She managed to get out once JJ released her. JJ's hands were running hungrily up and down her sides, edging their way under her shirt.

"I've been wanting to do that all day." A devilish smile spread across her otherwise cherubic features and it was enough to make Emily burst out laughing. A moan escaped her lips, cutting off her laughter, as JJ clamped her lips over a sensitive pulse point just below her left ear, and one of her hands made a dive between Emily's legs.

"Whoa Jayje, slow down." Emily stopped JJ's roaming fingers but she fought to get them free, moving her other hand further up Emily's shirt and sliding along her bra-line. "JJ stop. Just, can we take a minute?"

"Oh come on Emily, you can't tell me you haven't been thinking about this, waiting for it, ever since we got on the plane. I've seen you watching me...the way your foot kept running up and down my leg on the plane...so why wait? Why not just enjoy this while we can?" JJ's mouth returned to Emily's neck, kissing down it and along her collarbone. Despite her misgivings, Emily's head lolled back giving JJ easier access, and she felt her body respond to the touch. Her pulse thrummed with increased insistence and a warmth growing between her legs began to spread up through her stomach and out to her limbs.

"JJ..." her voice cracked out in a hushed whisper, it's tone deepened by arousal. "...What happened when you got home? With Will?" JJ's movements halted and she stilled in silence for a moment. Apparently the logical side of Emily's brain hadn't quite been overwhelmed by her stimulated center, though she wasn't sure she was actually happy when her words had the desired effect and put a stop to JJ's wandering digits.

"It was...fine I guess. It's always fine with Will." She rested her head in the crook of Emily's neck, the hand under her shirt stroking Emily's soft skin ever so lightly.

"Did he ask? I mean...did you...does he...?" Emily trailed off, unable to put the question she wanted desperately to ask into words. She hated when she stumbled over herself like this. It was not the cool, calm, and collected Emily Prentiss that she was comfortable showing the world. She tried to take a deep breath, settle her nerves and quiet the burning need at her core, but all she managed was a shuddering gasp of sorts. JJ placed a hand on the small of her back, flattening her palm against it and holding her tightly.

"He asked where I was. I lied. He didn't push it, not really."

"Not really?"

"He made a comment about me not caring that Henry didn't know why I wasn't there. Said I could have called to wish him goodnight. I nearly slapped him for that, but he wasn't wrong. I could have called. I should have called." Emily felt JJ begin to pull away and she let her go, staying quiet and waiting for her to continue. She wasn't sure she liked where this was going, but there was clearly something more on JJ's mind that she needed to get out.

"It's just...I forgot about him Emily. For a little while I honestly forgot about Henry. What kind of a person does that make me? What kind of a mother? How could I forget about my own son. He's too young to understand this. And he shouldn't have to." JJ was pacing, gesticulating broadly and becoming more agitated as she spoke. Emily pushed herself off of the door and cautiously approached her, stopping when JJ whirled around to face her.

"What are we doing Emily? What is this? Is this like before? Are we just fooling around in hotels and hidden rooms? Because I can't do that. I can't be a whore in a closet again. I can't do that to Henry. It'll blow up eventually and I have to know it was worth it." She was practically shouting at this point, her face flushed and her anger clearly aimed at Emily. Emily was floored, her head and heart reeling as they tried to keep up with the emotional whiplash. She had known JJ was stressed about all of this but she hadn't seen that kind of vitriol coming.

"Hey, JJ, stop right there. I don't know where this is coming from, I thought I was pretty clear yesterday about what I wanted this be. For that matter, I thought you were clear on what you wanted, but I guess you're not. You come at me all hot and ready to dive down my pant and then accuse me of treating you like a whore?!"

"Emily that's not what I meant...."

"I think if anyone here has been treated like a whore it's me. I'm not the one who is sneaking around. I'm not the one who has a family to lie to. I'm just the one always spreading my legs for you any time you come knocking." The words were out before she could stop them, and it wasn't until they were said that she even realized she'd felt that way. JJ seemed stunned into silence before her, her mouth agape in shock. Emily was breathing heavily, emotions overwhelming her as she let the speech sink in. It was JJ who managed to collect her thoughts and speak first.

"Emily..." she moved to close the space between them, bringing a hand tentatively to Emily's cheek. "I am so sorry. I didn't mean any of that, you've never treated me like a whore. And I hate myself for ever making you feel like one. You are amazing." She rubbed her thumb along Emily's cheekbone, still flushed with emotion, and felt her relax into the touch ever so slightly. "I've had too much time in my head today, alone with my thoughts. I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at myself. I hate myself for what I'm doing." Emily stiffened again and pulled away from JJ's palm.

"Look JJ, if this isn't what you want then why don't we just break it off now?"

"No Em, this is the only thing that feels good. Being with you feels right. But it's all so complicated. I have to think about Henry. I have to think about what kind of life I'm giving him and what kind of example I'm setting. I can't make this decision based on what I want, and as much as I want you I can't ask you to take on all of this." JJ slumped down, perching herself on the edge of the bed with her head in her hands. Just yesterday morning everything had seemed so simple, so perfect. She was warm and happy in Emily's arms. Emily moved to kneel before her, pulling JJ's hands down from her face and clasping them in her own.

"Maybe I haven't been as clear as I thought. I'm all in if you are Jayje. I know you have to think about Henry, I know he's the number one priority in your life and always will be. You are my priority, if you want to be, and that means Henry too." Emily fixed her eyes on JJ's, refusing to break contact. She wanted JJ to see everything she held behind them, and see she did. There was love and truth there, as well as fear and apprehension, but it was all upfront for JJ to see, no walls hiding her feelings and keeping the world at bay. Tears sprung forth as JJ stared unblinking back at Emily, once again stunned into silence.

"Are you sure?" the meek whisper snuck through her quivering lips. Emily answered by pressing a kiss to JJ's tear streaked face.

"I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, but I know what I want and that's you. Henry is part of the JJ package and I accept that." She pressed her forehead to JJ's and listened as their breathing aligned.

"Emily?"

"Mmhmm?"

"I do love you, you know. I love you with all my heart and I am sorry I was so quick to doubt this. I never even considered that you would want Henry. I mean, that you were ready for...I mean you don't exactly seem like the family type." JJ cut herself off before she could dig a deeper hole, none of this was coming out the way she wanted it to. She had never had so much trouble expressing how she felt about anyone before this, before Emily. She felt a blush rising out of embarrassment and found herself fiddling with the hem of Emily's sleeve and avoiding eye contact. She was surprised when Emily let out a laugh, wonderful and throaty. Emily rocked back on her feet as her laughter deepened and she couldn't help but hold her stomach as it started to ache.

"Are you saying I'm not maternal?" She wheezed out between chuckles. "Because I seem to remember someone telling me they could see me with kids. Who was that again?" Her mocking and laughter threw JJ off, leaving her completely unsure of how to respond, though her body seemed to have decided that joining in on the laughter was the best course of action. By the time they had both regained composure the air in the room had lightened. JJ wiped the last of the tears from her cheeks and shook her head.

"I've shed far too many of these over the past few days."

"Yes you have." Emily slid up from the floor and brought her lips within inches of JJ's, running her hands up JJ's thighs as she drew closer. "Let's see what we can do about that, shall we?" Her eyes had grown darker as she approached and JJ could instantly feel her pulse quicken. She gulped down the anxious lump that was rising in her throat and she felt a familiar tingling begin just below her stomach.

"Emily you know you don't have to do this. I know how you feel, I really do. You don't have to prove anything to me or do this because you think it's what I want." Emily's hands continued their movement, coming dangerously close to JJ's now super heated center.

"Oh I know JJ. I'm not doing this because I think it's what you want. I'm doing this for purely selfish reasons, though I can't say I'm finding any objections in my way." While she spoke she had deftly unbuttoned JJ's pants and slid her hand down them, slipping behind her underwear and closing in on what she could already tell were extremely wet folds. She stilled her fingers just before she reached JJ's clit and, with her voice deeper than before, continued "Unless of course you want me to stop..." JJ's hand shot to Emily wrist and held it in place, making it impossible for her to escape.

"Don't you dare." Bringing her dilated pupils to meet Emily's as she pushed her hand lower into her wetness, making it abundantly obvious just how badly she needed Emily to continue. "Don't you dare think of leaving me like this."

As Emily slipped a finger deep inside she breathed a whisper into her ear, her mouth so close that the warmth of her words on aroused skin drew a shivering moan from JJ's lips.

"Never. I'll never leave you."


	12. Chapter 12

Emily felt like her very bones were revolting against her. She rolled over in bed, attempting in vain to find a comfortable position. She'd almost forgotten how much it hurt to get shot. It had been hours of tossing and turning since she'd gotten back from California and she was beginning to resign herself to a sleepless night when she remembered the painkillers the hospital had sent her home with. She hated the way they made her feel but perhaps a good night sleep was worth it, besides it wasn't like she had anywhere to be the next day after Hotch had forced her to agree to a week's leave. She stared at the ceiling, knowing that what would really help her sleep was if a certain gorgeous blond were snuggled up in her arms like she should be. But JJ had become distant and irritable on the flight home and had left the airstrip before Emily had even managed to wrestle her go-bag off the plane with her one good arm (and the help of Morgan). Sure, the date night in the private dining room of the little known restaurant that Emily had planned was off the table with her lovely new injury, but she'd thought they just have a nice night in at her place, a little take-out and a movie or two, decompress from the stress of the case. Will had taken Henry for a long weekend visiting his extended family in Louisiana once he'd heard that JJ was going to be out of town on a case, and Emily had seized on the chance to plan an actual date somewhere no one would find them so they could be out and about as an actual couple. She understood why JJ hadn't broken things off with Will yet, or at least she was trying to. JJ wanted to do it right, to make sure things ended as civilly as possible between herself and Will, for Henry's sake, and she and Will had been working so much lately that there just hadn't been a good moment. Emily knew she had to be patient, that pushing JJ would blow up in her face, especially if Henry ended up collateral damage. She had told JJ that she was all in, that she was ready for the whole JJ package, Henry included, and she needed to prove that she'd been serious. So she let it slide and they kept things between them a secret. The date they should have been on that night was going to be their first real night out as a couple, and JJ had only agreed to it after Emily had assured her that no one they knew, not even Reid, would be at the entirely Portuguese speaking hole-in-the-wall of a restaurant, never mind in the Chef's private dining room. Once she had been convinced that their secret would remain a secret she'd actually seemed excited, even packing several slinky little numbers which she had modeled for Emily the night before while in their shared hotel room in California. But then Emily had been shot and JJ had shut down, shutting her out completely.

Emily sat up and swung her legs out of the bed. There was no point in trying to sleep now, she was too preoccupied with JJ's behavior and too concerned that she had done something to push JJ away without noticing. She grimaced as her arm throbbed and she gave another fleeting thought to the pain medication in her bag. Instead of taking some and sinking back into bed in a drug induced haze, she got up and grabbed the cream-colored sweater she'd left slung over the back of her armchair, picked up her phone and her car keys, and headed out to figure out what was going on with JJ.

* * *

 

"Emily? What are you doing here? Do you have any idea what time it is?" JJ clutched her robe around her body and blinked sleepily against the glare of the streetlights.

"Cookie Dough or Java Chip?"

"What?"

"Cookie Dough or Java Chip?" Emily repeated her question matter-of-factly, holding up the paper bag with her uninjured arm. JJ continued to stared at her with the same confused expression, leaning heavily on her front door. "...Or I could just stand on your doorstep while the ice cream melts..."

Motioning into the house JJ moved out of the way as she spoke, "Should you have been driving with your arm like that?" Emily looked down and saw the way she'd instinctively tucked her arm against body, positioned as if it were in the sling she probably should have put on before she left her apartment. Again she lifted the arm holding the ice cream,

"Still got one good one, that's all I need to drive." She stepped through the door, following JJ down the hallway and into the kitchen. Remaining silent, JJ pulled two bowls out of the cabinet by the sink and grabbed a couple of spoons out of the drying rack. Emily could feel the tension coming off of her in waves and as she unpacked the ice cream she tried to come up with the best thing to say to diffuse the situation and sort out whatever was on JJ's mind.

"Cookie Dough."

"Hmm?"

"You asked what flavor I wanted. Cookie Dough. Pass it over." Emily did as asked, sliding the tub over to JJ. As she attempted to pry the lid off of her own tub she discovered it was immensely difficult to do with only one arm. Testing the limits of her damaged left shoulder she moved her arm forward slowly, grasping at the tub to hold it steady while she pulled on the lid with her right hand. After several attempts the searing pain became a too much to ignore and she shoved the ice cream away in frustration.

"Stop it Emily. You're going to hurt yourself. Just ask for help." JJ yanked the lid off the Java Chip and dug Emily's spoon into it, aggressively scooping several spoonfuls into the bowl before shoving it back across the counter. "Why don't you ever just ask for help?" She muttered under her breath.

"JJ what is going on? You've been acting weird ever since we got on the plane, and then you just disappeared on me."

"Disappeared? On you? Well at least I don't go throwing myself in front of bullets." JJ abandoned her ice cream and headed into the living room leaving a shocked Emily in her wake. Pulling herself together she followed JJ.

"Throwing myself in front of bullets? I did no such thing and you know it JJ. It could just as easily have been you going in first and then you would be the one taking a bullet to the shoulder." Emily rounded the corner in the living room to find JJ with her back to her, seemingly staring out the window to the empty street beyond.

"But it wasn't me was it? It's always you. You're always the one getting shot, or beaten, or stabbed. It's always you." JJ's tone was somewhere between pissed off and depressed and when she turned to face Emily there were tears wetting her eyes.  

"Jayje, I don't know where all of this is coming from but I don't want to fight. I came over here to see what was wrong. I thought we had plans and then you just left without saying a word. I didn't mean to upset you." Emily moved forward, placing her good arm on gently on JJ's shoulder only to have it shrugged off.

"Emily I can't do this."

"Do what? Talk? Eat ice cream?"

"No. I can't do us. Not like this. I have to think about Henry. I can't take his family away from him and replace it with false promises of a new one..." her words trailed off and she avoided eye contact, wiping away the tears that continued to fall no matter how she tried to stop them. Her heart was pounding in her ears and she could feel the heat rising to her cheeks. She so desperately wanted to run to Emily and fold herself into her arms, to feel safe there, but she feared that those arms weren't safe anymore...never really were. They were her favorite place to be, held tight against Emily's chest where she could hear her heartbeat strong and steady. But could she believe that those arms would be there when she needed her? Would be there for Henry? Or would they disappear like so many times before?


	13. Chapter 13

_The raw, gasping sounds coming over the headset painted a horrific picture of the beating Emily was taking inside the compound. JJ knew she should take the headphones off, move away and go back to crafting the press release as Hotch had asked, but she couldn't make herself move. She was frozen in place listening to blow after blow land while trying to keep from throwing up. She shouldn't even have been listening, but Morgan, Hotch, and Rossi were too wrapped up in it themselves to notice that she'd slipped in behind them and slid on the spare headset, unable to stand not knowing exactly what was happening to Emily. As soon as she'd seen the news report she knew where this was going. She knew Emily would play the hero (or was it the martyr?) and admit to being the FBI agent in order to protect Reid. The BAU was her family and Emily would do anything to save her family, she would give her own life if it meant saving even just one member of her team._

_"I can take it." Emily's words shot through JJ's mind, pulling her out of her frozen horror._

_"I can take it."_

_She threw off the headset, feeling suddenly as if the fresh air around her was incredibly stuffy and stifling, and turned to get away from the others before they noticed that she'd been listening, or worse, the way she was reacting to what she'd heard. She lurched out from under the tent, clutching her pregnant stomach and found her way behind the trailer just as the lunch she'd hastily eaten a half hour before came back up._

* * *

 

_It had been hours before the whole ordeal was resolved, if you could call it that. Hours before JJ could truly believe Emily was safe. Hours before Emily had stumbled, beaten and bloodied, from the compound and into the arms of her team. And now, one hospital visit and one tense plane ride later, everyone was home, safe in their beds and sound asleep...or most of them were, at least. When sleep had failed her, JJ had slipped out of bed, careful not to wake Will, though if he'd asked what was wrong she could always have blamed her ever growing belly for her sleeplessness. Still, she'd rather avoid his worried eyes and attempts to help, it only ever served to make her feel worse. In a bid to soothe the stress from her body and mind she had drawn a bath, so hot it nearly burned her skin and so full of lavender bath salts that the aroma was almost stifling. The water had since cooled to damn near chilly, but her tears had refused to stop and she lacked the energy or motivation to pull herself together and return to bed. The events of the day had all but shattered her. She had been utterly terrified, even now, hours later, the residual fear was thrumming through her and mixing with anger at the local officials who had leaked information about the team's presence within the compound, anger at the press that was irresponsible enough to make that information known, and most intense of all, despite her attempts to push it down, was her anger at Emily. The longer she sat in the barely room-temperature water the more furious she became with Emily's actions._

_'What had she been thinking? Why did she even have to volunteer to be the one undercover with Reid in the first place? Why couldn't she keep her mouth shut for once, keep her head down, keep herself safe?'_

_Thought after thought tumbled through her mind, many completely irrational-she knew that-but she was powerless to stop them. She was just so mad and so tired of feeling so helpless in protecting the ones she loved. And she did love Emily, she loved her so much, no matter how hard she might try not to. She knew she had no right to love her, not the way she did, but that didn't matter and all she wanted to do was scream in her face and make her understand what it would do to her if something happened, if she lost Emily for good. But she couldn't do that. It wasn't her place. Not anymore. She lost the right to profess her need and claim Emily's life as her own after she'd pushed Emily away. After that night just over a week following the bombing in New York, that night she had told her that she was going to marry Will (even though in her heart she wasn't even sure if she would, or could, marry him), that they were going to be a family and there was no room for Emily in her private life anymore. She knew she had hurt her, she saw it in Emily's dark eyes even as she said she understood, said she was happy for JJ and would always be her friend if she wanted her. She knew she shouldn't have kissed Emily the way she did as she left her apartment, with one hand clutching the collar of Emily's shirt and the other threaded through the hairs at the base of her neck, her body saying the opposite of her words, but she couldn't help herself because she knew this was it, this was the last time. And she couldn't help but wonder if the pain she'd caused had played more than a small part in Emily's willingness to take that beating, to risk her life. So she let her guilt feed her anger and she turned it all on Emily and mentally painted her as frivolous with her life, someone who cared so little about her own existence that she was willing to die at any minute, someone so self-centered that she couldn't see how her choices, her death, might impact those who cared about her. Because if she didn't make Emily out to be someone entirely incapable of being reliable, of making a long term commitment to be present, then she would have to admit that she was realizing that she wanted a life with Emily and that the idea of a life without her was the absolute most painful thing she could imagine. She wanted to spend every day with her, she wanted to raise her child with her, she wanted to have more with her. She wanted it all. But no, she couldn't rely on Emily for any of that. She couldn't let herself believe they could have it, let herself start a real life with her only to have Emily get herself killed. She wouldn't survive that loss. So she picked Will, because Will was easy. Will was willing to give it all up to be there for her. And Will would be there because Will was consistent. Will was safe. Emily was a risk and JJ just couldn't take that risk. Not now, not after what she'd heard over that headset, and not now that she had a child to consider. She had to let Emily go._

_Finally, though she had no idea how long after she'd originally left bed, JJ managed to pull her pruning body from the bath and, wrapping herself in the warmest and fluffiest bathrobe she owned, headed back into the bedroom. Just as she was about to tuck herself under the covers next to a still-snoring Will, her phone illuminated on the night stand. She knew it couldn't be a case, not after the trauma the team had sustained over the past 48 hours. Hotch might be a workaholic but he had promised them all a week off and she knew he'd follow through on it. Given this, she was about to ignore the call, deeming that it could wait, but something pulled at her gut and she reached for her phone. Block letters spelled out one name she was not prepared to see, not now- 'PRENTISS'. With a shaky inhalation, JJ opened the message._

_"I need you. Please."_


	14. Chapter 14

It had been 6 weeks since the shooting. 6 weeks since Emily had been literally shoved out the front door of JJ's house, the deadbolt clicking behind her and her untouched bowl of ice cream still cradled against her side by her (now absolutely throbbing) wounded arm. 6 weeks since the last time JJ had said anything to her that wasn't work related, or made eye contact for more than a few seconds. 6 weeks of Emily putting her ability to compartmentalize to the test in order to seem normal, to seem ok. And, surprisingly, it was working. It was working so well, in fact, that even she was able to believe she was just fine...most of the time. At work she maintained her normal attitude, she joked around with Morgan, talked foreign films with Reid, argued over the best Paella recipes with Rossi, and even let Garcia rope her into an upcoming girls night before she could take a minute to realize that, of course, a girls night would include JJ. The way Garcia's face lit up as soon as Emily had agreed, her bright orange painted lips immediately spinning ideas for what they could do that would be new and different and fantastically fun, quickly shot down any hope Emily had of coming up with an excuse to get her out of what promised to be a painfully awkward evening. Which was why, when she'd walked into the conference room that morning to find an completely exhausted looking JJ downing an energy drink and weakly trying to cover up for the fact that she had obviously forgotten about Garcia's plans for that Saturday, she latched on to the inkling of hope that JJ would back out and give her a reprieve. Maybe she wouldn't be able to get that babysitter, it was short notice, and good babysitters were hard to find.

Then there was that pesky nagging coming from the back of her mind...or was it from her heart? Either way, it was the part of her she was doing all she could to keep locked quietly away in the dark. It was the part of her that heard JJ saying that Will was away all week and immediately whispered _"He's away? Why wouldn't she tell you? Why wouldn't she want to see you if Will isn't home? She always used to call when Will was away. I could have helped with Henry. She knows I'd help, she doesn't have to be this tired, she doesn't have to be doing this on her own. Why doesn't she believe that?"_ It was also the part of her that started taunting her, reminding her that JJ wasn't hers, that JJ had Will and it sure as hell seemed like she'd picked him. It wasn't a decision Emily could readily understand, especially after the way JJ had roused her in the middle of the night during that case in Vegas, the night after they fought, then talked, then laughed, then fucked, just so she could make love to her slowly and intimately, all the while whispering to her the depth of her feelings and how badly she craved their future together. However, she had promised JJ that she would respect her decision, that if a life with her was not what she wanted then she would manage and move on. It was with that promise that she'd tossed a smile in JJ's direction and a knowing look at Garcia, succeeding in keeping the mood in the room light and teasing before the rest of the team joined them with pictures of violence and death. She reminded herself that she'd known when she'd started things with JJ, really let herself feel something for her, that she was getting involved with a woman who was already taken, she'd known there was no happiness to be found here for her except brief moments of physical comfort, and she'd been willing to take that risk even if it was destined to hurt her far more than it was worth. The violence of her work Emily could handle, death was an old friend, and it made things easier to have it around to hold her focus and allow herself emotional distance from the ever-present ache in her chest.

_***_

_-Three Days Previous-_

It was nearly 1 o'clock in the morning and JJ was cleaning the kitchen floor. Scrubbing the living daylights out of the kitchen floor might have been a better way to describe it, if it mattered. While she'd been at work and Henry had been under the not-so-watchful eye of Will, Henry had succeeded in transforming the kitchen into his personal canvass and, it would seem, had enjoyed creating "A master-beets, Mama! It's a master-beets!" JJ couldn't help the smile that spread across her face at the image of her beautiful little boy grinning up at her with paint of every color splattered across his cheeks, hands, and clothes. He'd looked so unbelievably proud of his work that she hadn't even been able to stay mad long enough to scold him before she ruffled his hair and scooped him up for a bath. The night had gone smoothly from there, with dinner eaten, bedtime stories read, and a tuckered Henry falling happily, and easily, asleep. While she'd been cleaning up their son, Will had popped his head into the bathroom to let her know he was going to meet up at a local bar with some buddies from the force who were in town from New Orleans and not to worry about waiting up for him. He'd left a quick kiss on the top of her head, which she'd really tried to get her body to lean into, and then he was gone.

JJ had tried to go about her usual routine after that, taking a shower which turned into nearly an hour of standing under the water while she worked at calming the irrational anger she felt towards Will for having let Henry create such a mess. It wasn't like Henry had gotten hurt or permanently damaged anything, and Will had explained that he'd gotten stuck on a call with his boss about a big case they were working and that when he'd left the room to go to his office Henry had been happily drawing at the table. She knew what it was to get caught up on a work call, lord knows it happened to her frequently enough, and yet she just couldn't shake how peeved she was. When she'd run out of hot water, JJ had climbed from the shower and prepared for sleep that refused to come, and that was how she'd ended up on her hands and knees in the middle of the night with a bucket of water and a brand new box of magic erasers. As she scrubbed a memory sprang forth of the last time she'd had to really deep clean this floor. It was years ago now. Emily had come over for dinner after a case, both of them needing a couple of glasses of wine and some good food to unwind from yet another grisly murder spree. What had started as nothing more than Italian food and girl talk had turned into a food fight with tomato sauce splattered everywhere, and the two of them half naked on the floor. Needless to say, they never did eat dinner. It was a wonderful night, she couldn't remember having laughed so much before or since, or having seen Emily look so young and carefree. She was so lost in the memory that she never heard the door open, not even realizing Will was home until he spoke from behind her.

"Hey Chere, thought I told you there was no need for waiting up." JJ whipped her head around, gasping in surprise before she took in Will's lopsided smile and slightly hooded eyes.

"Hey..." she answered quietly, blowing her hair out of her face and taking in her fiance's appearance. The slightly ruddy tint to his cheeks gave away just how much he'd had to drink, as did the minor sway in his walk as he made his way towards her.

"C'mon JJ, no need to finish cleaning that now." He reached down without waiting for a response and pulled JJ up by her arm. "I've missed you, darlin'." Will drawled, wrapping one arm around her waist and holding her close. JJ dropped the magic eraser, trying to relax into Will's arms and smelling the beer on his breath.

"I really shouldn't leave the kitchen like this..." She squirmed as the fingers of his free hand began to glide up under the hem of her shirt, sliding along warm skin. She planted a hand gently on his chest, pushing him back ever so slightly. "Will, it's been a long day." A deep laugh spilled out against her neck as he nuzzled into her hairline just behind her ear.

"That it has, and I know just how to give it the perfect end." His hands continued to wander beneath JJ's shirt and she could feel her body responding. Her back arched into his touch and she could feel the skin around her nipples begin to pucker as they hardened. She closed her eyes, trying with all her might to stay in the moment and enjoy herself, enjoy being with Will. But it wasn't working. Her body was there but her mind wasn't, it was stuck on how is hands weren't calloused in the same places as Emily's, how his fingers were wide and shorter where Emily's were long and slender, and most of all how she just couldn't let him do this if she couldn't stop picturing the woman she'd rather be doing it with.

"Will, not tonight. Let's just go to bed, please." Much to her annoyance, JJ heard her voice crack on the last word, coming out far more pleading than she meant it to. Immediately Will pulled back and looked at her, his brow furrowing.

"JJ, what's wrong?" He tucked his fingers under her chin and turned her eyes to meet his. "You know, it has been quite a bit now, what with you working so much. Can't we just enjoy our night?" JJ remained silent, fighting back the tears she felt pushing at the corners of her eyes and the confessions threatening to spill from her lips. She wouldn't do this. Not here. Not now. Not with Will's eyes searching hers, tender concern and lust mixing in equal parts.

"Nothing, I'm just tired. I'll finish with this mess in the morning. Come on," she looped her fingers through his, pulling gently, "bed. Now." Managing a crocked smiled to match the waggled eyebrows Will gave her in response, JJ realized that it wasn't likely all they'd be doing tonight was sleeping.

That night, when sleep did come, her dreams were filled with memories.

_JJ hadn't thought the day could get much stranger, not after solving a particularly gruesome case where little true motive could be found, and not after the fractured team managed to come back together in order to do so yet left with much of their future still in question. But then she really hadn't seen herself ending the night in Emily's living room, gasping between kisses so intense she quite literally couldn't catch her breath. It was only when her hands began acting on their own volition, tugging at Emily's large silver belt buckle, that her brain kicked back in and realized what she was doing. Planting her hands on Emily's shoulders, she pushed herself back with such force that she stumbled slightly._

_"Whoa, JJ" Emily reacted quickly, wrapping her hand around JJ's forearm to steady her._

_***_

When JJ woke up the next morning, her body curled around Will's, it was almost normal. Ever so gently, she reached up and brushed the back of her knuckles against his short beard. She couldn't remember the last time things had been easy between them, and a part of her longed for those days long past. When things were new with them, back before she told the team, when it was just their little secret, everything had been fresh and it had felt so exciting. Of course, none of that had lasted very long. Looking back on it she supposed she should never have let things get so serious with Will, but she'd been blind-sided by her relationship with Emily, truly never having seen it coming. JJ felt her stomach begin to sour as she continued to gaze at Will's face, completely relaxed in his sleep and subtly tilting into her hand. He was a good man, not without his shortcomings, but in the end a good man and he loved her so much more than she could ever love him.

Time was running out for them, of that she was sure. Maybe she couldn't let herself be with Emily, but it still wasn't fair to Will to keep letting him do all the work in this relationship. The problem was, even though she knew staying with Will when her heart wasn't in it was, in its own way, hurting him, she just couldn't imagine causing the pain she knew telling him things were over would cause. She wasn't brave enough. She wasn't strong enough for that, not when it would mean being on her own, and not when it would mean an angry custody battle that would be nearly guaranteed to damage Henry. She leant forward, brushing a soft kiss onto his forehead before pulling back and turning away while sliding out of bed, her movements just enough to wake Will.

"Good mornin', darlin'." Will's voice cracked with sleep, breaking off into a yawn. JJ glanced over her shoulder just enough to see Will roll over and settle back down under the covers. He was quiet for another moment before continuing, "You'll be home for dinner tonight before I have to leave, won't you?"

JJ turned away and headed towards the bathroom, hiding the conflict she didn't seem able to keep off her face. "I don't think I'll make it. You can drop Henry off at the BAU on your way to the airport." A muffled sigh was all she received in response, tension immediately blossoming in the air between them. She paused at the bathroom door, head hung and hand on the door-frame. "I'm sorry, Will. We'll talk when you get home."


	15. Chapter 15

Emily knew, without a doubt, that she was going to regret her choice of shoes in the morning. For that matter, she would probably also be regretting her choice of drink, or the number of them she had consumed, and the fact that she had been the one to suggest they go dancing after the salsa lessons and dinner they'd already shared. The thing was, she just couldn't make herself care about any of those future regrets right now because she was the happiest she'd been in well over a month as she let her body move to the thundering beat of the electro-pop blasting over the speakers of the gay club Garcia had insisted would be the perfect place for carefree dancing. Garcia was to her left wearing what had to be the brightest neon-colored version of a fantastically frilly salsa dress ever invented. Her make-up was equally fluorescent, her bright blue painted lips parted in a huge smile as she danced wildly with the small fan-club of gay boys she seemed to have amassed over the course of the last few songs. She looked totally in her element and Emily found herself wondering how often she came to this club. As if sensing her gaze, Garcia turned her grinning face to Emily and, allowing her eyes to take in the way Emily was dancing, and who with, her stare turned surprised and then almost knowing before she sent an exaggerated wink at her friend and returned her full attentions to her own dancing companions. Emily felt herself blush ever so slightly at that, but again just couldn't be bothered to listen to the more sober and reasonable voice in the back of her mind screaming that she was letting too much show because right in that moment JJ was backed up against her with one arm slung back around Emily's neck and her blond hair swinging wildly in her face as they bounced to the rhythm. Emily allowed her own hands to curl possessively around JJ's hip bones, holding her just tightly enough to keep their bodies from separating as they danced. JJ tipped her head back, leaning against Emily's shoulder and moving her lips closer to her ear, the breath and movement from them tickling Emily's throat as she spoke,

"God this feels good Em." The scent of alcohol washed over her with JJ's words, causing that tiny voice of reason so try one more time to remind her that she shouldn't be letting any of this happen given the state they were both in. It was only that morning that JJ couldn't look Emily in eye, and Emily was unable to even think about JJ without the simple act of breathing becoming a painful struggle, yet now here they were dancing like long-lost lovers in front of not only a club full of people but one of their best friends and coworkers. It was too much, and it did nothing to bridge the canyon dividing them, not really, but it felt too damn good to stop now. And so, throwing caution completely to the wind once and for all, Emily seized on finally having JJ in her arms again and leaned towards the lips now laying tender kisses along her jaw-line, capturing them with her own and finding them needy and wanting.

For her part, Penelope was so wrapped up in her own personal dance party that she almost didn't notice what was happening between her two lovely ladies...almost. She might have missed it were it not for the flash of blonde hair whipping through the air as JJ spun frantically in Emily's arms so they were facing, practically toppling the taller woman as she leapt into her arms, legs around Emily's waist, hands tangling in long brown hair as their lips connected in a kiss so full of yearning that Penelope swore she could feel it pulling on her own heart. The completely unabashed move had her jaw hanging and her mind whirling in an instant, wondering whether it could be chalked up to the ridiculous amount of alcohol the three of them had consumed, yet at the same time she knew, deep down, that a kiss like that one didn't just come out of drunken lust. There was definitely more to be discovered here, and if there was one thing Penelope Garcia could not put down it was a good trail to be followed with secrets to be uncovered. Oh no, there was no way JJ and Emily were getting out of this one without telling her absolutely everything. She moved across the dance floor, closing in on them and grabbing Emily's arm in a grip tight enough to snap her out of her JJ induced haze. When Emily pulled herself from JJ's lips and turned, stunned and struggling through a haze for lust and liquor, she found that Garcia's eyes were positively sparkling with excitement at this new development. JJ was so surprised that she lost her grip on Emily's waist and stumbled to her feet, Emily and Penelope reaching out to steady her at the same time. Before either woman could manage to squeak out some jumbled excuse they found themselves being dragged to the front door, coats retrieved and shoved at them before they stepped out into the chilly DC night. As she hailed a cab, Penelope rounded on them, a Cheshire-cat smile stretched across her lips and an accusatory finger pointing at them.

"My place, right now. And don't think either of you are going home before you have told me everything. Absolutely everything! Every. Little. Thing."

* * *

 

If only she hadn't cracked open her stash of absinthe (the legal kind) as soon as they got to her apartment perhaps, when she awoke the next morning with the sun barely peaking over the horizon and a desperate need to pee, she would have understood a little better why upon stumbling into the living room she found a semi-naked JJ curled up half under a blanket and half on top of an apparently topless Emily, both still dead to the world around them. As it was Penelope found herself with a rising sense of panic over how to explain that a girl's night that she had insisted upon and pushed for when her friends were clearly under a great deal of stress had apparently resulted in extremely drunken decision making that had obviously crossed some pretty huge lines. She couldn't help but feel like this could ruin their friendship, possibly wreck the team she loved so dearly, and she feared that it was at least a little bit her fault. How were JJ and Emily going to react when they woke up? How had this happened? Maybe she could get their clothes back on and make it all look much more innocent if she was really, really careful...

Before she could put a plan into motion she was jolted from her thoughts by the shrill ringing of JJ's cell phone from somewhere within the couch. JJ stirred and Emily groaned. Penelope stood in a terrified silence, holding her breath and watching as her friends found their way back to consciousness, waiting for the shock and horror to dawn on their faces when they realized their predicament. Instead she found herself an unnoticed observer as JJ, one eye barely cracked slid her hand down behind one of Emily's thighs to grope around under the couch cushions, finally pulling her arm back up and bringing her retrieved cell phone into view. 

"Shit" she muttered before clearing her throat and accepting the call. A brief conversation made up of mostly one word responses on her part commenced, Garcia managing to gather that it was Reid on the phone and that he was apparently worried, though not upset, because JJ had never come home to relieve him of his baby-siting duties the night before. JJ hung up the phone and let her one open eye slide shut again, dropping the phone to the floor and her head back against Emily's rib cage, just under Emily's now uncovered left breast. Sightlessly, JJ lifted one arm and ran a hand down the side of Emily face, brushing hair behind her ear gently as she went. 

"Emily, wake up." Emily hardly dignified her with a responding grumble before slinging her own arm over her eyes. "Get up, I've got to get home." JJ tugged at Emily's arm attempting to pull it off her face. All the while Penelope remained quiet, watching the strange domesticity surrounding her friends in a moment that she thought surely would have been the complete opposite.

"Where the fuck are we?" Emily finally spoke, her voice significantly lower than normal and, Garcia had to admit, sounding superbly attractive, like that of an old movie star in the days when smoking was sexy and deep timber all the rage. 

"Garcia's, I think." JJ cracked both eyes this time, squinting into the early morning light just now starting to creep in through the windows as she raised her head to regard Emily. "We gotta go." The two women locked eyes, a look Garcia couldn't put her finger on passing between them before they began to move, unraveling from each other and working to sit up. Emily scrubbed her hands over her face before glancing at her watch for the time.

"Hotch's race." She muttered. JJ nodded in affirmation. "Shit." A pause before, "Henry?"

"Reid stayed, he's fine. Worried." JJ rested her head in her hands, fighting off the pounding headache residing within. Emily watched her for a moment, concern etched across her strong features, and then moved to stand, JJ following her to her feet.

"Where's Garci...?" Emily trailed off as Penelope finally cleared her throat, making her presence known. Both women looked up at her and they all just stood silently for a moment, the scene rather like one from a silly rom-com with JJ attempting to cover herself with the blanket still partially over her shoulder and draped down her body, Emily making no move at all to cover her naked breasts or fix the undone buckle on her pants that hung loosely and half fallen off of one hip, and Garcia still wearing the now rumpled dress she'd had on last night, the remnants of her make-up smeared to one side across her face. It was Emily who pulled herself together first, because well, wasn't it always?

"We have 10 minutes to get out of here so we can get to JJ's or we're actually going to miss being at the finish line for Hotch, got it?" Two blushing blonde heads nodded. "Alright then, let's get a move on." Another second of awkward stillness reigned before the three of them simultaneously snapped out of it and began rushing around. Garcia was just pulling on her favorite purple sunglasses and grabbing her keys when Emily's voice sounded so close behind her that it caused her to yelp and spin around. Emily's face was serious, her hand reaching out to clasp Penelope's own.

"Please, not a word." Her eyes motioned across the room to where JJ was just pulling on the pants she'd found under the coffee table. Garcia understood immediately, nodding with a little too much vigor for the state of her hungover brain.

"Of course, Emily." 

"Not even to Morgan, Garcia. Promise me." 

"I promise." 

Emily released her hand, giving her what might have been the saddest smile she had ever seen, her eyes darting again to JJ.

"Thanks Penelope."


	16. Chapter 16

     It had been almost two months, three twisted, frightening, and exhausting cases, and two not exactly fights with Will since JJ had woken up on Garcia's couch with the worst hangover she'd had in years and her hand resting on Emily's naked breast. She'd known immediately what must have occurred in the wee hours of the morning, after Garcia had gleaned all the information from the two of them that she was going to get and stumbled giggling into her bedroom, shouting over her shoulder that she was **_so_** going to be the one planning their wedding. Despite their level of intoxication they had somehow managed a rather coordinated and watered-down version of their...relationship...claiming a stolen kiss here and there and one rogue night together back when JJ and Will were far from exclusive. They blamed stress and the drinks for their wild behavior at the club that night, and Garcia had seemed willing to believe this story, so astounded by the idea that her friends could have slept together at all without her picking up on the change in their dynamic that she didn't push for more or question whether it had truly only been that one time. There had been maybe 10 minutes of awkward silence once they were alone, broken only by the occasional "excuse me" as she and Emily had moved around the living room, attempting to clean up the now empty cups, absinthe bottle, and half-eaten bowl of chips and dip. And then Emily had been standing at the sink, back to JJ with tense shoulders and fingers gripping the edge of the counter and the next thing she knew, though she wasn't even sure how she got across the apartment, her fingers were running up Emily's spine, grazing along her shoulder blades, moving back down tight muscles and wrapping themselves around her hips. Her face peeked over Emily's shoulder, the difference in their heights accentuated by the fact that she had tossed her shoes when they'd walked in the door while Emily remained in her sexy though incredibly uncomfortable looking heels. Her memories got fuzzy after that, her liquor soaked brain somehow becoming aware of nothing more than the feel of Emily's body against her hands and hip and lips. She'd soft-focused entirely until everything was shapes and colors and feelings, and oh god the intensity and the pleasure and the need were astounding. But then it was morning and everything was too bright and too harsh and too rushed and oh shit where were her clothes and how had this happened, and there was Garcia looking like this was all news to her once again, and maybe if they just pretended nothing had happened it would all be ok...

     So that's what she did. They made it to Hotch's race, bleary-eyed and with pounding heads but there nonetheless. And when Monday came they went to work, and Emily smiled like they were friends, and Garcia said nothing (which shocked the hell out of JJ because Penelope always seemed incapable of letting go of a juicy secret), and Will surprised JJ with a romantic dinner upon his return from his trip which she'd sat through with a pit in her stomach and smile on her face. She'd practically jumped him that night when they got home, throwing off his clothes and her own, desperate to connect with him like she knew, or thought she knew, that they once had. Afterwards, when Will fell asleep with his arms around her waist and his hands resting on her stomach, she'd held in her sobs and only allowed silent tears to fall down her cheeks and soak slowly into her pillow. In the days that followed she found herself snapping at him for things that she knew weren't important, leading to brief bouts of heated shouting followed by prolonged silences and nights on the road with nothing between them but text messages about Henry. Life carried on, trips with the team and the horrifying crimes they tackled became a welcome distraction, and Emily still somehow smiled like they were friends but nothing more.

***

     Things were going ok. Work was going ok. She and JJ seemed to be managing a rhythm where work was all professional and nothing personal. They were careful not to end up sharing a room while out of town, but other than that they were coping well enough to have prevented the rest of the team from sensing anything, which was quite the feat. Emily knew that night at Garcia’s was a one-of, a last gasp of sorts, a desperate, drunken attempt to feel that connection with JJ before she had to give it up forever. When she’d returned home that night she’d considered cracking open one of her favorite bottles of wine and drinking herself to sleep, but the way her stomach turned sour at just the thought of alcohol had her opting for a scaldingly hot shower, a mug of lavender tea, and one of her beloved first edition Vonnegut novels.

     Later, as she lay in bed, the clock creeping past 1am and sleep still out of reach, she resolved herself to two things: First, she would not make this harder for JJ. She would not pursue her, she would not get too close, but she also wouldn’t pull away. She would be her friend in whatever way JJ wanted her. Second, she would get herself settled. She would show JJ that she could be reliable. She could be consistent. She could stay in one place and commit. Maybe it wouldn’t matter, maybe JJ would stay with Will because he was safer, because he loved her...because she did love him. But that was ok, she would make that ok, because JJ was her dearest friend and nothing could change that, she wouldn’t allow it to. She would be a constant for JJ even if friends was all they’d remain because JJ deserved that much and she would rather be in her life as her friend than not in it at all. Besides, it was time for her to do this for herself, to get an actual home and put down some roots. It had been too long since she’d returned from everything with Doyle and yet she lived in her old condo like a guest, completely failing to have truly settled back in, often living out of her go-bag like she’d have to run again at any moment. Wasn’t this the life she wanted? She loved her work, her team, and her friends here, so why not make it permanent? She had always wanted a child, though she often doubted her ability to be a good mother, however perhaps with a little more time and a little more effort she could finally follow through on becoming a foster parent. After all, JJ believed in her, at least where her mothering instincts were concerned, so maybe with a real home and a little more stability she could do it, could even be good at it.

     Yes, she would make a home here. She would make her life here. She could do that...couldn’t she?

 

     Sleep did not come easily, and when it did her dreams were plagued with visions of armed masked men with Irish accents chasing her through cathedrals the likes of which she hadn’t set foot in since she’d lived in Italy.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone asked for more Emily and Henry time, and this fluffy with an undertone of angst chapter was the result.

     They were fine. They were friendly colleagues who were not quite friends but everything was fine. They were managing. Everything was manageable.

     But then Morgan’s cousin, the one missing and presumed dead, resurfaced with this psycho of a “husband” and Hotch was sending them in to interrogate him and everything just clicked. They played effortlessly off each other, crafting a ruse to get under the suspect’s skin and play on his expansive ego. It was easy, it was perfect, it was all of their chemistry bubbling right under the surface. And that was why, when the case was over and Morgan’s family reunited, JJ didn’t think twice about, as they deplaned the next morning, bumping shoulders with Emily and saying,

     “Brunch at my place? I promised Henry pancakes. What do you say?” Emily’s eyebrows shot up in confusion at the unexpected invitation, her forehead creasing for just a moment before she allowed a hesitant smile to replace her unease.

     “Pancakes huh? Chocolate chips and whipped cream wouldn’t be included in this brunch would they?” JJ tossed her head and let out a throaty laugh, her eyes shifting to look at Emily sideways.

     “Have you met my son? Blonde hair, blue eyes for days, yea high,” She gestured mid thigh, “Doesn’t believe breakfast foods are worth eating unless they include chocolate?” Emily found herself laughing along, her previously anxious smile turning light.

     “Well then, count me in! I can never say no to a good stack of chocolate chip pancakes under a mountain of whipped cream.”

     “You, Emily Prentiss, are a child. You may do a good imitation of a grown woman, but I know better.” Their arms brushed against one another as they continued to walk side by side, each leaning slightly, and unconsciously, towards the other. “I make it myself.”

     “What?”

     “The whipped cream, I make it fresh. My mother always insisted it was the only way to eat it, wouldn’t tolerate the cans of it or those tubs. Of course she also used fresh cream from the neighbor’s cows, but I do what I can and I think it comes pretty close.”

     “Well then, Ms Jareau, I think that makes this anything but a childish meal.” They parted, each returning to their own cars, eyes locking over the tops as they paused at their driver’s side doors.

     “I guess you’re right, Madame Prentiss." Emily scowled, disliking being called by a title usually reserved for her mother and JJ stuck her tongue out playfully in response. "So, how’s 11:30?”

     “It’s a date.” Emily winced even as the words were still slipping from her lips, but JJ only responded with twinkling eyes and a radiant smile before sliding into her car and waving goodbye.

     It wasn’t until she was out of the shower and halfway dressed that Emily realized that she hadn’t asked about whether Will was home and would be joining them for brunch. She couldn’t imagine JJ would have invited her if he would be there, but then again things were different now. There was no need to hide your friend from your boyfriend. If that was the case, if Will was there and she were invited in as a welcome guest, then she supposed that at least she would have a better idea of where they stood, or where _she_ stood in JJ’s life.

     And that would be ok. She would be ok. She would stay true to her promise to be JJ’s friend above anything else.

     So, at 11:28am she arrived at JJ’s house and knocked, a broad smile plastered across her face and a swarm of angry butterflies writhing in her gut. Seconds ticked by and then the door flew open with more force than seemed necessary to reveal...no one. Her gaze peered into the house before drifting downward just in time to capture a tiny body and pale golden hair flying across the threshold and wrapping small, strong arms around her legs.

     “Aunt Emimy!”

     “Hey buddy!” Emily smiled at Henry’s new attempt at her name, stroking her hand down the back of Henry’s head as he tilted it to peer up at her from behind the nearly shoulder length unruly locks that had fallen into his eyes.

     “Momma makin’ pancakes! With cloud cream and choco chips!” Emily knelt down, letting her hands fall to Henry’s small shoulders which seemed to be practically vibrating with excitement.

     “Cloud cream? That sounds pretty fancy, little one.” Henry nodded enthusiastically, and then frowned.

     “I’m not little Emimy. I’m a big boy.” Emily chuckled, straightening up as spotted JJ standing a few feet back, watching them quietly from within the house with a soft wistfulness on her face. Emily ruffled Henry’s hair, then brushed it out of his eyes and cupped his chin gently between her fingers.

     “You know what? You’re right! I don’t know what I was thinking, you must have grown at least two feet since the last time I saw you. I bet you’re taller than your mom now aren’t you?”

     “I don’t know about that.” JJ spoke with a smile in her voice as she stepped forward from the shadows and placed her own hand gently on Henry’s head, pulling him towards her and against her side. “I’ve still got my little boy for a while longer.” As she gazed at Henry her eyes shone with a warmth so strong that Emily could nearly feel it. Henry huffed in frustration but only hugged his mother closer, grimacing up at her in his best attempt at looking serious.

     “ _Momma._ ” His little foot stomped to emphasize his aggravation.

     “Ok, ok. How about you be my little man?” Henry tilted his head, considering this compromise, and then finally gave a curt little nod before releasing JJ and scampering off into the house. With his departure Emily found herself staring at her fingers, picking at her thumb nail nervously, her tongue darting out over her top lip before she sucked it into her mouth and grazed it with her teeth.

     “Will’s away.” JJ’s voice was quiet but audible. Emily couldn’t help the speed with which her head snapped up, mouth hanging open ever so slightly, stuttering out in surprise,

     “Ah-um-Oh.” Now it was JJ’s turn to avoid eye contact, her expression saying that she wasn’t exactly sure why she’d decided to lead with that. “Well,” Emily managed to pull herself together, “I hope he’s doing well.”

     “He is.” JJ cleared her throat and moved to the side of the entryway. “Come on in Emily, a ridiculously large batch of pancakes awaits you, though if we don’t get in there soon Henry will probably end up wearing most of the batter before we can cook. ” Emily bowed her head slightly and stepped inside, the door swinging quietly shut behind her and the familiar smell of JJ’s home invading her senses, all warm and made up of hints of nutmeg, cloves, and something that smelled a bit like baby powder and a bit like JJ’s favorite geranium and rose perfume. It was a smell that Emily couldn’t help thinking felt an awful lot like home to her. Oddly she couldn’t find Will in the aroma, but she shook her head and told herself not to dwell on that little tidbit. A hand placed gently on her lower back caused her to startle, stilling where she stood.

     “Sorry.” JJ pulled her hand back and attempted to stuff it into her pocket before realizing there weren’t any in her yoga pants. “Um, are you ok Emily? You seem...” JJ stumbled on her words, stuck trying to find the right ones to describe Emily’s too tight smile and the way it clashed with the crease between her brows. Emily’s expression turned sorrowful for a flash before sliding into the look of comforting kindness JJ so often saw when she talked to the frightened families of missing persons.

     “Of course, JJ, I’m good. But I could really use some coffee.” She smiled again, and it almost wasn’t strained this time, so JJ returned it and motioned towards the kitchen with her head.

     “Freshly brewed pot awaits you.” They stood for another moment, both aching to reach out, or say something more, but neither clear on the boundaries.

     “MOMMA!” Henry cried out just as a loud metal clattering echoed through the house, causing them both to jump and turn to towards the noise. “I drop the cloud cream!” Their eyes met again, Emily’s smile quirking to one side and JJ shaking her head and shrugging before calling back,

     “That’s why I told you not to try to pick up that bowl Henry, it’s too heavy for you.” With that, JJ was moving to the kitchen, Emily following close behind. They entered to find the floor splattered in globs of fluffy white whipped cream, Henry standing in the midst of it with smears across his face and hands and an attempt at an cherubically innocent expression on his face.

     “Come ‘ere big boy.” Emily scooped Henry into her arms and plopped him down on the counter next to the sink, reaching over to grab the nearby dish towel and run it under warm water. “How about we get you cleaned up and try to stay out of the way so your momma can make us some more of that magical cloud cream and a nice pile of pancakes, sound good?”

     “With estra choco chips??” Henry squirmed as she began to wipe him down.

     “What do you say, Jayje? Are we worthy of extra choco chips?” She glanced over her shoulder to see JJ watching them with an exaggerated look of consideration on her face, one arm crossing her chest and the other bent so that her pointer finger could tap her chin for emphasis as she contemplated their request.

     “I suppose, IF Aunt Emily thinks my little man is ready for extra chocolate chips, and IF that means my little man is big enough to help with the dishes after we eat, then I could be ok with that.” JJ stepped forward, bending to pick up the fallen mixing bowl on her way to stand in front of Henry, offering her free hand so they could shake on this arrangement. Henry mimicked his mother’s posture, tapping one finger against his cheek before grinning vibrantly and shoving his little fingers into her grasp.

     “Deal!”

     What followed was a meal of epic proportions, surprisingly easy conversation and belly laughs brought on by Henry’s antics. Once he found himself too full to finish the 3rd pancake he’d insisted he could eat, Henry had begun playing with his food, poking and prodding the poor pancake until it resembled a very saggy mask with two eye holes and a jagged split of a smile which he then proceeded to slap onto his own face, leaping up from the table and screeching,

     “I’m choco man!” before running out of the room giggling ferociously as JJ dropped her own fork and chased after him. When JJ returned she did so with several clumps of pancake in her hair, a smear of chocolate down her shirt, and no Henry in sight. Emily tried briefly to stifle her laughter before she let it bubble through sealed lips, clamping a hand over her mouth when it earned her a scowl from JJ.

     “Defeated by the great and powerful Choco Man, I see.” Emily managed between chuckles, this time getting a stray piece of pancake flicked in her direction after JJ had pried it from her hair.

     “Oh, he may think he won this round but just wait until there’s no extra story at bedtime. We’ll see who the really winner is then!” JJ grumbled, untangling another chunk of pancake and tossing it at Emily’s head.

     “Hey!” Emily dodged the projectile just in time, swiping her finger through the remaining whipped cream on Henry’s plate and whipping it back in JJ’s direction, watching as it splattered the unsuspecting target across the nose. JJ froze, her mouth gaping and eyes gleaming.

     “I wouldn’t start a fight you can’t win, Prentiss.” She reached across the stove for the large wooden spoon resting in the bowl with the last of the pancake batter, lifted it and cocked it like a mini-trebuchet in her hands. “Remember what happened the last time?” JJ’s grin was all challenge and bravado now, her fingers pulling back ever-so-slightly harder on the spoon, preparing to launch her counter attack. Emily threw her hands up in surrender.

     “Whoa there! Truce! Stand down Agent Jareau!” JJ remained as she was for another moment, watching as Emily slid off her stool and backed away from the kitchen island before she sighed dramatically and tossed the spoon into the sink.

     “Wise choice.” She smirked and Emily laughed again. The early afternoon sun was streaming in through the windows, the house comfortably warm, and they both found themselves lost in a memory of the very thing JJ had mentioned, that previous food fight that she had indeed won, the absolute disaster area that had been the kitchen and dining room once it was over, and how the shower that was meant to clean the tomato sauce off of their bodies had resulted in sex so incredible that neither had noticed when the water ran cold around them. Emily cleared her throat, JJ turned to the sink and began tossing in utensils and plates, the air around them suddenly tense. Just as Emily was going to speak, attempt to find something to put the easy day they had been having back on track, Henry came bounding back into the room and tugged on JJ’s pant leg.

     “I sawy for getting pancake in you hair Momma.” JJ looked down, her face softening instantly as her baby boy stared up at her.

     “That’s ok Henry, but you know the rules about food staying in the kitchen unless you ask first.” Henry hung his head.

     “I know. I sawy”

     “You’re forgiven. Now, I seem to recall an agreement we had, Choco Man, that involved you being big enough to help with the dishes.” Henry kept his face down, clearly trying to think of a way out of his chore, before turning to Emily and grinning.

     “Aunt Emimy can do the dishes with me? With the bubble soap?” JJ looked back over her shoulder and Emily shrugged and nodded, stepping forward and unbuttoning the cuffs of her shirt before starting to roll up her sleeves. As JJ moved to give Emily space and Henry pulled his own little step-stool over so he could reach the sink, she leaned into Emily’s ear and whispered,

     “I swear he’d do chores all day if you were doing them with him. He adores you, Em.” Emily found herself blushing at this but she didn’t respond, instead setting about pouring soap into the half full sink and turning the water on to get it to just the right temperature for little hands. JJ backed away and took a seat at the island where they’d eaten, content to quietly watch. Emily whipped out a new, clean and dry dish towel from drawer next to the sink and handed it to Henry with a flourish.

     “Alright, Choco Man. I’ll wash the big stuff and then you can dry it until it shines, got it?” Henry nodded enthusiastically. As JJ watched, Henry began to chat animatedly to Emily about anything and everything he could think of, and Emily listened with rapt attention as if the most intricate details of the most important case the BAU had ever handled were being rattled off to her by a toddler. She laughed at Henry’s jokes, even when he got the punch lines mixed up, and she “Oo’d” and “Ah’d” at his stories of his camping overnight with Will two weeks previous. Henry was clearly enamored, soaking up every bit of attention from this woman that he idolized. JJ had never told Emily, it just didn’t seem like the right time before, back when she was certain that Emily would never want the JJ package if it included a kid, and then with the way things had been recently she thought it would do more harm than good, but Henry had developed a bit of an obsession with her over the months when she had been around more. She was a superhero to him, and JJ could tell as she watched them together that he had missed her more than he’d let on. She felt her heart ache at the notion that somehow her darling boy had sensed that Emily wasn’t a topic he should bring up with her and so had simply held it in, left to wonder why his favorite aunt had stopped coming around almost weekly, never spending the night or taking him to the park like she had so many time before. A rich laugh from Emily pulled her out of her melancholy, the sprite-like giggles erupting from Henry as he found himself on the receiving end of a tickle attack bringing a smile to her lips as well.

     “Ok big boy, that’s all the dishes.” Emily lifted a still giggling Henry from his stool, spinning him around twice in the air before placing him gently back on the floor. “Go! Run free! Play!” She swatted him lightly with the dish towel and then he was gone, shouting over his shoulder that he was going to play with his new train set. Emily was almost out of the kitchen, intending to follow the exuberant little boy, when she stopped and turned back to JJ who looked a bit lost in thought. She hesitated for just a moment before placing her hand over the one JJ had resting on the countertop, pulling JJ’s gaze to meet her own. JJ’s eyes held a deep sadness that danced with the mirth still lingering there from watching her son’s joy.

     “He’s missed you Emily.” Her words were ever so slightly watery, a tightness just beginning in her throat. Emily’s eyes were concerned and questioning but her mouth still pulled into a small smile at that.

     “I missed him too.” A breath, and then another, and another, and then JJ was turning her hand over beneath Emily’s and lacing their fingers together. The both watched their hands, eye contact too dangerous when the unspoken “I missed you too” hung in the air between them. Finally, giving one last squeeze before pulling away, Emily spoke.

     “This was really nice JJ. It’s been a long time since I had a good home-cooked meal.” JJ ached again,  thinking of how much Emily used to loved to cook, even if just for herself, and wondering when she had stopped...and why. 

     “Well then let’s do it again soon.” Despite the risk, despite the tension, the offer was heartfelt and she truly hoped that Emily could see that she was wanted, that she still had a place in her life.

     “Absolutely. The sooner the better.” Emily’s brightness was too much but JJ ignored it and spoke before she could think better of it.

     “Dinner then, tonight.” For a moment Emily looked caught off guard, like she’d fully expected to leave the house that afternoon and never be invited back for another meal. Her lips turned down into a thoughtful almost-frown before she gave a half nod.

     “Ok, on one condition. I get to cook for you two this time. You’ve done enough for one day.”

     “Hey, you won’t hear any objections from me!” JJ moved to stand, brushing residual flour from her pants. “Henry has karate at 3:30 for an hour, but after that we’re all yours.”

     “I’ll be here at 5:00 then.” They stood, fidgeting and caught in the limbo of not knowing how to part ways. Emily longed to pull JJ into a hug, to show her how much she wanted all of this, how much she would do to prove she could be ready for all of this, but she knew that she couldn’t do that, not with the way things were now, not when weeks before JJ had told her in no uncertain terms that she didn’t want this life with her. Friends. They could still be friends. But even the simple touches of friendship seemed loaded, so the increasingly uncomfortable silence stretched between them until finally JJ broke it, speaking of Henry, one of the few remaining safe topics between them.

     “I should go get the little monster cleaned up again before we have to leave for class.”

     “Of course, I’ll get out of your hair. I’ve got to put together a menu for tonight, can’t just do any old dish as a follow-up to the fabulous pancakes at Chez Jareau.” They moved to the door, JJ holding it open as Emily stepped out into the lovely afternoon air.

     “That’s right. We’ll be expecting something exquisite from such an experienced world traveler like yourself. It’s not every day we get to dine on cuisine fit for a Prentiss.” JJ smirked, weedling at the slightly sore spot she knew Emily still harbored about being the daughter of an Ambassador. Banter was easy, they could do banter. Emily refused to show annoyance, instead she put on her most haughty expression and very nearly literally managed to look down her nose at JJ before proclaiming,

     “5pm sharp, we’ll see if your palate can handle a Prentiss.” The suggestive nature of her words hit her just after she said them and she was about to buckle and stumble over attempts to defuse the comment when JJ’s inability to back down from a challenge saved them both from the humiliation. She stepped closer to Emily, supercharging the subtext of the moment by bringing them almost nose to nose and allowing her voice to husk out,

     “Oh Emily, we both know my palate is more than capable of handling a Prentiss.” And then she whipped herself around, the tips of her hair brushing Emily’s face as she turned, before pausing in the doorway with one hand on her hip and one hand on the door. “5pm.”

     “It’s a date.”


End file.
